city mom, country mom: forging ahead

Showing posts with label forging ahead. Show all posts

September 3, 2012

This month.

This month has just begun, and I have already met two mommas via the web who have survived SIDS. It's hard to believe just how many people this unexplainable tragedy happens to. I was curious about the numbers, so I googled the facts.

"Since 1983, the rate of SIDS has fallen by over 50 percent. Sadly, there are still about 2,500 deaths per year in the United States."

I can't even fathom that number. And for each one of those 2,500 babies there are countless people who hurt from that death. It's really a shocking thing, and yet, here we are-- so many of us survivors. We keep pushing forward because that's what we have to do. And I keep praying that all of us, as we do this, can find joy despite those huge cracks in our hearts.

I wanted to see a clear example of how many babies 2,500 is. It's so hard to picture... So, here is one little O for each child.. It's insanely difficult to process.

o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o

o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o

January 31, 2012

Four Years.

It has been four years since our little one went to Heaven. We slept so peacefully that night that I felt the heaviest burden of guilt when we awoke to the chaos that had suddenly become our lives... But it dawned on me during the early stages of grief... that it is absolutely true that GOD is in control of everything. We only fool ourselves into thinking we own these moments and control our destiny and that's why grief knocks people down so hard! Until we surrender to God and accept that there is a gorgeous, sparkling eternity of hope on the other side- we live in darkness. We stand united as a family now, only because we chose to break through that darkness and look to the Lord to help us. He has healed us, put our hearts back together, allowed us to help others hurting from the same thing, blessed us in so many ways we can barely recount them all without taking the span of an entire week.

If you have lost a child, my heart breaks for you, but I am filled with much hope that the Lord will pick you up and carry you through this and show you that their life hasn't really ended- they are with Him! And your life hasn't ended either- this is only a new chapter that started in a way you never would have wanted, but there is so much on the other side once you climb over this mountain. You can do this with His help. Trust in Him.

Giant hugs to you. You are in my heart and in my prayers.

February 7, 2011

From A Lullaby to Goodbye

It's finally here.. A book written by parents and grandparents who know exactly what it's like to lose a precious child. I am thankful I could share Lila's story here within these pages- and I can only hope that it will comfort others as they find themselves in the same shoes that we have worn. Help us bring this book to print sooner by supporting us with a purchase of the ebook. Visit www.lullabytogoodbye.com for more info.

January 7, 2011

Precious in His Sight.

Carrie here.

I honestly can't remember if I've posted this story before, but I wanted to be sure it was shared. It's an experience I had with an answered prayer. One that was so obvious it couldn't be denied.

When we were preparing for Lila's funeral, we had trouble deciding what to put on her stone. I was sitting in the car outside the cemetery caretaker's home (Josh was inside discussing details.) I was flipping through the bible looking for four words we could put on her stone. Engraving costs were by the word and four more was about all we could afford at the bottom.

I grew upset because I wanted God to allow me to "just turn to a page". It was such a difficult trial in my life, and I just wanted him to make something - anything- easy. I had little patience. It was then that I broke down in tears and prayed for help. I told him I'd wait for his answer. That was on a Monday afternoon. Later that night our bible study group came to our home to be with us and to pray. It was amazing that they'd even made it considering the conditions outside. The fog was thick, not the usual kind of fog, but so thick you could scarcely make out your own hand in front of your face. Along with their visit- they gave us another gift- a tangible one- a blanket from the church. I opened it up, it was a depiction of Jesus with a child, across the bottom it read: Precious in His Sight.

From that moment on, I did not doubt that God heard my prayers. It strengthened my prayer life in a way that I could not have accomplished on my own. God is great. When I get down and miss my daughter, I remind myself that she is precious and she's not only in His sight, She's in His arms!

And that was what we had engraved on her stone.

I send my love to all you other mommas who have children in Heaven. Keep pushing forward and rely on the Lord. He will light your path- no matter how dark. And He will hear your prayers, no matter how small.

August 31, 2010

September, October, November

Us three mommas have angel anniversaries/birthdays coming up and would be grateful for your prayers for continued peace and comfort as we forge ahead.

September 30th is the 2 yr mark since Abigayl went to Heaven.

October 20th is the 3 yr mark since Ethan went to Heaven.

November 7th would have been Lila's 3rd birthday.

Thank you to everyone for your love, encouragement, support and prayers.

Hugs..

August 11, 2010

I'd like to share...

this link... Click Here

This story is one that we found in our foster parenting education binder. I thought it was really touching, and as prospective foster parents - it helps us to understand how kids might feel. I know that for me, personally- it makes me fear their "baggage" less and grow my desire to want to help them with that "suitcase."

-Country Mom, Carrie

July 31, 2010

Carrie: How Would It Be with Three?

I babysat for a friend of ours today. Her little one is just around six months younger than our sweet Lila Grace. I've babysat for her before- but today it really hit me as she followed me around the house- this is that age range Lila would be in now. This is what it would be like if I had all three of my babies here with me on Earth. It was interesting to sit in another room and listen to her chat in toddler talk to my five year old. It was at that moment that I really thought about how hard all of this has been on Maddie. Jude is the youngest, he came after the loss- he'll never know exactly what this family has been through- all he'll know is that he is loved even further (beyond measure) because of our exposure to SIDS. As for Maddie- she held her sister in her arms, sang her lullabies, helped wrap her Christmas gifts, kissed her on her chubby cheeks- all of these memories she still has- and you add all that up, and I can only imagine the longing she has in her little heart. It makes me wish I was brave enough to give her another brother or sister in hopes that it would bring forth another baby girl. But we all know- it wouldn't be Lila- it wouldn't be the same. I suppose in some ways our steps toward foster parenting will be a huge blessing to our family because we have all this love to give, and we feel like somebody is missing. At the same time I wonder if the constant revolving door of the foster system will make it hard on my own kids because they are constantly saying hello and goodbye to other children. At this point (with just one week until our first class) I feel the strength and courage to push forward and find out. I just pray that it will be that blessing, and that my children will learn to understand. Only the Lord knows where this and all our roads lead. I just need to put my trust and faith in him and keep going. It's really hard sometimes, isn't it?! I guess we're all 'works in progress.'

Jude (left) Maddie (right) and our little guest in the middle. :)

Dear God, please hold our little family close to you and help us to fully trust in you and not question your will.

July 30, 2010

Raychel: Guilt and Shock

One of the toughest things I had to face, besides the loss of Abigayl, was dealing with the guilt. I carried a huge burden from the moment I found her.

As I said in my last post, Abigayl slept with a blanket that almost always ended up over her face and it was that way when I found her. I know that every book, article and doctor says that you should have your baby sleep on their back and with an empty crib.

For a VERY long time I felt like if I wouldn't have put that blanket in the crib with her she would have still been with us. I struggled every day with that. The other terror that haunted me was the mental image of finding her. It was like getting kicked in the chest by an elephant every time that image popped into my head.

After months of killing myself with the guilt and mental images, I finally decided to seek help. I found a psychologist and it just so happened she used a technique called EMDR (eye movement desensitization and reprocessing) that helped me with my shock or post traumatic stress.

First, she helped me understand the guilt. The way she put it, guilt was a way for me to feel like I had some control over the situation. I DIDN'T have control over the situation. GOD had control.

Then we dealt with the mental images with EMDR. I couldn't believe how it affected me after the first session. After going 6 or 7 times, I was able to stop without having a recurrence of the strong feelings I had to those mental images. I fell that without her help I wouldn't be able to write or talk about that day. It would have been to debilitating.

If you are struggling with feelings of guilt, I highly encourage you to find someone to talk to because it is NOT your fault. There is nothing that could have been done.

July 26, 2010

Raychel: Our Little Blessing

Since the passing of Abigayl, Rusty and I were blessed with our beautiful son. Rowynn was born on February 5, 2010 and we have thoroughly enjoyed watching him grow and develop.

Though this is our second child it is amazing how much I feel like a first time mom. I'm experiencing things with Rowynn that I never got the chance to with Abigayl.

It was a scary to think about having another child. Rusty and I didn't know how we would sleep while he was sleeping or how we could ever be comfortable leaving him. Thankfully we were able to take care of the sleeping fear by setting him up with an apnea monitor and with time we have been able to leave him for an hour or two at a time.

The pain of losing Abigayl hasn't gone away but it has gotten easier. I no longer cry every day but I do have my days that hurt and I have to face the pain, hurt and loss.

I must admit, Rowynn has filled a place in me that I never thought would be whole again. He may end up a bit spoiled but I'm okay with that! I'm just happy to have his cheeks to kiss.

April 13, 2010

Our Big 10 Month-ers!

Look how big our boys are getting! They have certainly grown our broken hearts and brought us joy... We are so thankful for these little guys! Before long we'll be planning birthday parties. Planning birthdays is a bittersweet moment in time. We are gloriously happy to be planning 1st birthday parties for our little men, but at the same time- it's a reminder that Ethan and Lila spent their first b-days in Heaven. It will continue to be this way every year until we hold those precious little people in our arms again someday. I have a smile on my face just thinking about hugging Lila so tight and looking over to see Wendi holding Ethan. :)))

City Babe: Quinn

Country Babe: Jude

Showing off his clapping skills for sissy. Not much of a baby anymore- starting to look like a toddler.

This swing ride looks uncomfortable, but he thought it was great."Oh, Mom, Did you put these away? Cuz I'm not done with them yet."

"I'll just drag them all out again- one by one."

April 9, 2010

When It Rains, It Pours...

I was talking recently with another mom about the responsibilities that rain down on you in the days following your baby's departure for Heaven.. Unfortunately there are so many difficult choices and matters to handle on top of all the grief you're already dealing with. If you're in the early phase following your loss, it's not a bad idea to ask someone to help you. In fact, it could be a giant weight off your shoulders to have someone take some of it on.

Not every person's experience is the same, here's a few of the things we had to deal with.

I had to argue with the insurance to pay the late claims that came through. They kept informing me that she wasn't on our policy. She HAD been on our policy until the day she passed, as per our insurance's policy to remove people on their day of passing. I was super angry each time I had to make a phone call regarding this, I finally took some advice from a wise friend and when I had a rude representative, I'd ask for their supervisor- promptly report their lack of compassion and ask for someone else to handle my call.

I had bills show up all the way up to ONE YEAR after her death. ONE YEAR? Talk about being behind on your billing. This is one of the things that was hard to deal with. My husband started gathering the mail each day and setting aside insurance bills on Fridays, then giving them to me on Mondays. I couldn't handle knowing that I had two + days over the weekend of which I could not call someone and handle my issues with their bills.

We had quite a bit of medical debt stacked up considering we'd
a.) just had a baby and had a doctor's bill
b.) our baby had a 13 day stay in the NICU for cleft palate (They tried to charge us $22,000)
c.) We had medical debt and an ambulance bill from the dreaded morning she left us.
and
d.)funeral costs, casket, a stone, plus the cost of a burial plot in the cemetery.
I highly recommend asking for financial assistance in situations like this. Ask for payment plans, write offs, anything you can to ease the burden of the debt.

I also received tons of other painful things in the mailbox: American baby magazines, formula samples, 1st Birthday celebration magazines, etc. My husband was super supportive by sorting mail before bringing it in the house and tossing the things that would bring tears. There were also hundreds of sympathy cards. Some days I just didn't open them. I stacked them up and waited for a different day to open them.

I'd never planned a funeral before. Choosing the little cards to hand out, the casket, what to put on her, what to put in the casket with her, what cemetery to go to, what we wanted on the stone, when to have the funeral, where to have the service, what to say at the funeral, these are just some of the things that had my head spinning. I wish I'd asked for more help, a bigger support group to go to all the meeting with me. We did, however, take our pastor with us- from our church. It was nice for us to "not be alone" during that time. If I had to do it over again, I would have gone in there with a friend up under each arm to carry me.

I won't go into my awful dealings with the coroner, the autopsy and the cps, I've gone through that in previous posts.. but those were added to my giant emotional heap. But thankfully we had a wonderful woman who prepared Lila for burial. She cried along with us, and told us she'd take care of her as if she were her own child. She was super compassionate and kind.

I know there's a lot more than this, but right now they aren't coming to mind. Please take my advice if you're still in the early stages post loss and ask for help! You'd be surprised how many people will reach out to help you pull through this rough time. And if you're reading this and you're not a SIDS mom, but know a SIDS mom PLEASE reach out and do as much for her as you possibly can. You cannot imagine how much it will help and how much she'll love you for it later. She may not be able to thank you for it now, and she may seem ungrateful (that's the anger and hurt caused by the loss) but trust me- She needs you!

Note:
I say *she* a lot in my posts, I want to note that daddies need to be helped, remembered, loved and supported too.

Spring Cleaning: Day Two.

You'd be proud of me, I just know it. On spring cleaning day two (remember i decided to just tackle one room a day- and really tackle it!) I tore Maddie's room completely down, swept everything, cleaned windows, organized everything (she gives the term "pack rat" new meaning.)... Then I put everything back together but in all new spots. Whew, I'm tired. I took a break today and went to the grocery store (wait- is that a break if you have to take children with you?) Anyway, here's the finished product- room completely together and done for the year. I will tear it apart and clean it thoroughly again next spring. Until then, keep your fingers crossed and hope her "pack-rat" tendencies vanish. (PS She's going for kindergarten registration next week!! I can't BELIEVE my child is going to school!)

Yeah, it's pretty girly in there. And kinda shabby chic (my husband calls my style crappy-chick. lol. I think he's kidding. But who knows. haha.)

April 2, 2010

SIDS Fear.

I've noticed an increased amount of women blogging/tweeting about their fear of SIDS. I just have to say, Don't let fear rob you! Enjoy your babies- every minute of every day! But do stay educated on how to lower the risk: http://www.sids.org/ & http://www.firstcandle.org/ and help other mommies who have suffered the loss.

Don't feel powerless! There is so much you can do:

Offer a hand to hold.

Give endless hugs.

Be an ear to listen.

Support the cause: walk, run, donate... etc.

Be informed!

Spread the word!

IF you see someone putting a baby in a risky sleep situation, speak up!

Don't fear SIDS, help fight it!

March 20, 2010

Guest Blogger: Raychel "2 Posts in 1"

You have met Raychel before when she guest blogged for us last week. We've brought her back again because-- well, Raychel is one amazing woman! She is a momma to an angel and recently had her second little one in February. She has shown so much faith, strength and courage, and we admire her for forging ahead- despite the pain in her past.

When I saw these posts on Raychel's blog, I knew they were posts that would be good to share with our CMCM readers. Despite their loss of their precious daughter, Abi- Raychel and Rusty have grown stronger in their love for one another & are working together to build their dreams and family. Sticking together after a loss is one of the most essential parts of surviving the pain and finding joy again.

I don't normally cram two posts into one, but I thought these two were both equally worth sharing, so why wait- here's two of Raychel's posts. Feel free to leave her messages in the comment box. ;)

Post One: On Marriage -- From: June '09-
Four years ago today Rusty and I were married in Louisiana. On that day, the only stress I had was the huge storm that had blown in! There were no life losses and roller coaster rides that I had to deal with, just the pure bliss of knowing I was becoming Mrs. Stamper! Thankfully, that storm blew through, and we were still able to wed outside surrounded by the beautiful gardens.
In our four years, we have definitely been on a roller coaster. Marriage isn't always easy, but if you make the choice to choose love and happiness and work through the hard times... the end result is pure love and admiration for one another.I love my husband so much. I am thankful every day that God put him in my life. I am the lucky one. He is the best husband, most amazing father and truly my best friend. God knew exactly what he was doing when he created him and then put us together.Who would have thought that I would meet my husband in Oklahoma when I was living in California?! I'm glad I made the trip that summer and thankful that we hit it off so quickly. Our love has been through the wringer, but yet we are stronger and more in love than ever...

On their wedding day: Rusty & Raychel.

Post Two: One Year Since Abi went to Heaven --From: September 30, 2009
One year ago today, my life changed in a way that I never thought would happen to me. I felt more pain, sorrow, anger and shock than I ever had in my life. Soon after, I realized that I was blessed. I was blessed with the knowledge of where she was, I was blessed with four months with a healthy, happy baby, I was blessed with prayers of support and strength, I was blessed with a husband that never once cast blame on me but only supported me and loved me.During this year, I have had to move past a lot of blame issues. Thankfully, I found a person to talk to and work through the blame and shock with, so I could grieve in a healthy way. I can now look upon this day without feeling like I could have done something to change the outcome. I can look at today and know that my sweet girl is our angel and is enjoying the wonders of Heaven. She was hand picked by God to join him in his kingdom, and she is not pining for me, she is waiting for the day that I will join her.Through Abigayl's passing, I have found friendships that I know will last a lifetime, I have found a church family that I love, I have renewed my faith and have become a stronger Christian, and I have grown closer to my husband.I miss Abigayl terribly and I love her with every cell in my body. She is my sweet angel and I can't wait to see her, hold her and kiss her again. The great thing is... I know that I WILL.

Raychel with her Angel, Abigayl.

Thanks, Raych, for allowing us to share your posts with our other SIDS moms. You are an inspiration to us, and your strength is absolutely amazing. Congratulations on your precious new baby boy. We look forward to hearing more from you here on our blog in the near future. :)

(((hugs)))

March 16, 2010

Express Yourself

After losing a little one, it takes time to start enjoying the little things in life again. Unfortunately there is no set time frame, nor is there a secret we can share to make it happen any sooner. Oftentimes the grief grabs hold of you so tightly that the thought of doing something for yourself for enjoyment is no longer desirable, if not impossible all together. Things you used to do that brought you joy might not bring you that same joy any more. Please don't be discouraged. It will take time, and sometimes finding ways to express yourself through creative mediums can help the heart on its journey of healing.

Country Mom:
I used to be big on doing at least one project each week... After Lila died- I could not force myself to even think about it... until about two weeks in when I'd rec'd my 200th sympathy card. I was so angry-staring at that pile- wishing there wasn't a reason for people to send me those cards. That's when I realized I could do something productive with that pile of cards. I started cutting them up, scrapbooking them, and branching off into other projects.

I also had over 45 flower arrangements from her funeral, that drove me crazy. Our kitchen was a JUNGLE.. Picture that, 45 massive arrangements. I set to work and tore them all apart- nicely I mean, sorted all the flowers by type and photographed them. My husband, at first, wondered why i was "ruining" the arrangements- but really it turned out so much nicer for her memory albums- see what i mean here:

After grouping and photographing them, I hung them upside down to dry- then gave little dried arrangements to those who were close to her. It was one more way to remember my sweet girl.

I had these little books made up at walmart.com and was very pleased with them, I started with all the pictures from her birth up through her memorial service. They are all encompassing.

The sympathy cards I scrapbooked after Lila's passing.

I've always been a huge fan of making my own versions of shabby-chic- so i made this shadowbox for our family from an old printing press box. I have slowly been adding little things that symbolize our family. The most recent edition was a little Lila Angel made by Wendi. This is a project that is moving slowly- mostly because I'm trying to put things that mean something to us, and they don't all just appear at once- it takes years to save things. For now it's home is one my dresser, eventually I hope to have it in the livingroom when it's complete.

I eventually got back to my love of photography and let Lila and her nicknames inspire me. Lila was our Lila Bird so I found ways to express my longing for her through my work.

City Mom:

I enjoyed tiny craft projects and painting little things before Ethan died. After his passing, I just couldn't find the desire to do anything of the sort. Only months later did I feel inspired to do something creative again, and Ethan was that inspiration. I started by painting little things that made me think of him, and with time was able to branch out to things that were more for my own enjoyment. Believe me, I am no professional by any means, but it felt good to get back in touch with my creative side again... a part of me that I missed greatly.

I painted this to put out at his spot in the spring.

What are some things you've done to help express yourself or to find some enjoyment again? Do you paint, or perhaps you scrapbook? Feel free to share here!

March 14, 2010

Survival for Moms: One Day at a Time.

Everyone grieves differently, but here are some of the things (big & small) that helped me get through the thick of it. We hope that some of these things can help you through those hard days. You CAN do this, you CAN survive it... It's not easy, but we're here for you!

Where to start? Well, I'm just going to list some things in no particular order that I have thought about/tried/worked on for the last two years since Lila's passing. Bear with me as I say "I" a lot... and it's going to look like a big ol' run on sentence, but this is me trying to process a million thoughts and condense them into one blog post.

* I did my best to deal with everything ONE DAY AT A TIME.. Trying to decide what to do a year down the road and when to try to have another baby is too much at first. It is best to just survive, shower, enjoy food again, find the will to get out of bed and put on some make up... just the every day basics need to be tackled at first.. just to get you back into the swing of life. *I kept telling myself it wasn't a punishment, God took her for reasons I couldn't (and didn't want to) understand... But I kept saying in my head, "This is NOT a punishment." This is God's plan in action. *I reminded myself daily that she would never suffer, never feel pain, never be hurt by another human, never experience grief- she is in the most perfect place EVER waiting for us. *I searched the psalms in the bible, knowing that there were a lot that spoke to the heart of what i was facing, as did the story of Job. I decided I wouldn't allow God/Christ to be my "religion" I was going to make it a true relationship, and I started talking to him in my mind CONSTANTLY. He became my one on one confidant since I felt like other people didn't understand or didn't have the time to hear me rehash daily. *I made Faith my personal mantra. Wendi and I bonded over this word also- because that's what will get us there to see our children and our maker. Faith. *I made a website for Lila so I could "visit" on days when I couldn't bear to go to the cemetery and see that fresh dirt surrounding her stone. *I scrapbooked all of my sympathy cards so I could remind myself I was loved, blessed, and that people really did care- even if they didn't understand exactly what i was feeling.*I asked my husband to just hug me, sometimes up to ten minutes a hug- because it felt safe in his arms. *I stopped allowing myself to play the "what if" game everyday because all it did was hurt me more. There is no good reason to allow yourself to hurt your heart even more. The what if's are one of the worst things a mother can put herself through. *I allowed myself time and space by turning the ringer off on the phone some days, but tried hard not to become a recluse. It was a hard balance, so sometimes to clear my head I'd go for long walks by myself. *I read through the books in the sids survival kit provided to me by tinyhandprints.org . *I stopped allowing myself to search the internet for other people's tragic stories, they only brought more tears and more pain... instead I looked for people like Wendi who still hung on to positivity and hope despite their pain. *I busied myself with projects and commitments to keep my mind from focusing on it too much, but sometimes this was a little too much. I realized that I did need time to grieve and not to push it deeper inside where it would fester. This is a hard balance, I'm still not a pro, but I've gotten to the point where I only have about two major cry-fests per year regarding Lila. They usually come the week of her birthday and the week of her angel anniversary. *I still struggle with this one- but I try not to question God on why some people have children that they don't love and don't take care of - and yet they are blessed with one child after another that is living a terrible life in comparison to my loved, well cared for child whom he took up to Heaven. This is a toughie. You just have to keep telling yourself where your baby is and how safe they are. *I tried to focus on making it an eye-opening experience. To help me see how AMAZING life is and even though the world is full of selfish, hateful people- it's full of loving, kind ones too. There's a blessing everywhere you look, you have to choose to see it that way. I have some vinyl lettering on the mirror in my bathroom to remind me daily, it's a silver set of words that is simple and so very true- "Our life is what our thoughts make it." *I got to the point after year one where I could choose not to think about the night mirror of finding our baby had died in her bed. I didn't think this would ever come, but Wendi was further into it at the time than I was and she had told me she'd finally reached that mark. It was a relief when it would pop into my head- and I could say NO and shut it off, turn off the memories and the visions replaying in my mind. Whenever I did let it play, it caused more hurt. Being able to shut it off was a Gift from God. *I allowed myself to feel the prayers people were praying for me. I would sit in a quiet place and close my eyes- listen to birds- and just relax. I knew they were praying for peace and healing, and rather than scoff, I absorbed that love they were sending up to the Heavens for me in their prayers.*I would tell myself at the end of the day that it was time to sit down, look at pics and just cry by myself, because holding it in caused stress, pain, and heartache. It felt good to keep her memory fresh, to put more pics of her up around the house, to allow myself to miss her and not bottle it up. *I became a hugger. I was always a "touch me not" with people outside my family. I allowed people to hug me, and started requesting hugs. I found they were good physical therapy for my heart. There's a lot more, but that's some of it, sorry to keep saying "I" but that's what I did. Some of it anyway..

PLEASE feel free to leave your email the comment box if you want us to contact you, we are here for you!

March 10, 2010

Why are we Here?

These two precious angels in these photos brought us together.

Now we're here to meet other moms like ourselves who have felt this kind of heartache. We are all in it together, no one should ever have to do it alone. Please feel free to leave your email address in our comment box if you'd like us to contact you.

Remembering our Sweet Angels in Heaven.

We'd like to start an angels page, if you'd like to have your angel's photo added to our future page, please let us know. We'd love to include him/her in this memorial page.

March 8, 2010

Country Mom: Still the Momma.

I should warn you up front that this post is going to look like a rant, but it's really not. It's my heart asking to be heard..

I felt compelled to write this post after two awkward introductions this weekend. No offense to those who introduce me, but well, please remember- I have three kids. Not two. One may be in Heaven, but she's still my daughter. I'm still her momma. That.Will.Never.Change.

It always goes down the same basic way, "Hello So-and-so- this is Carrie, and this is little Jude and she also has a daughter named Maddie." Then the speaker turns to me and gives me an awkward look like- do I say it? Do I say you had another? Sure, yes! It doesn't hurt me when you say it, it hurts me when you don't. Am I rehashing this too much ? Perhaps, but - if others have walked a mile in my shoes they probably feel the same way. I birthed her, loved her, knew her better than any other human on Earth could have known her, and committed her forever to the depths of my heart as one of my very own children. There's no forgetting that, no pretending it didn't happen- and why would i want to?!

Lila Grace at 1 hour old. Staring into those sweet eyes, not knowing she wouldn't be here long.

I celebrate this blessing of a child, she wasn't here with us for very long (just 3 months), but she is part of our family, our hearts, and one day when we die, we've been told we'll be reunited with her. God gave me that promise, and I'm banking on it. So, in short, I just wanted to say: Hello, my name is Carrie, and I have three children.

March 5, 2010

Just For Today

I came across this several months ago and saved it - Now seems like the perfect time to share it..

Just For Today

Just for today I will try to live through the next 24 hours
and not expect to get over my child's death,
but instead learn to live with it, just one day at a time.

Just for today I will remember my child's life, not just his death,
and bask in the comfort of all those treasured days
and moments we shared.

Just for today I will forgive all the family and friends
who didn't help or comfort me the way I needed them to.
They truly did not know how.

Just for today I will smile no matter how much I hurt on the inside,
for maybe if I smile a little,
my heart will soften and I will begin to heal.

Just for today I will reach out to comfort a relative or friend of my child,
for they are hurting too,
and perhaps we can help each other.

Just for today I will free myself from my self-inflicted burden of guilt,
for deep in my heart I know if there was anything in this world
I could of done to save my child from death,
I would of done it.

Just for today I will honor my child's memory
by doing something with another child
because I know that would make my own child proud.

Just for today I will offer my hand in friendship
to another bereaved parent
for I do know how they feel.

Just for today when my heart feels like breaking,
I will stop and remember that grief is the price we pay for loving
and the only reason I hurt is because
I had the privilege of loving so much.

Just for today I will not compare myself with others.
I am fortunate to be who I am
and have had my child for as long as I did.

Just for today I will allow myself to be happy,
for I know that I am not deserting him by living on.

Just for today I will accept that I did not die when my child did,
my life did go on,
and I am the only one who can make that life worthwhile once more.

-Vicki Tushingham

March 4, 2010

City Mom: The Desire to be Happy Again

As much as it is a very personal matter for me to discuss the loss of my child, I realize that a lot of people feel that it is too sad or too dark of a part of themselves to share... something that is better whispered or abbreviated in conversation (if not skipped altogether). But for me and other parents who have experienced the loss of a child, it is a very BIG part of who we are. Oftentimes, however, we can't help but feel that we should only talk about our child with our head hung low - but why! In my heart, I feel so blessed and grateful to have had that time with Ethan that I COULD SHOUT IT FROM A MOUNTAIN TOP! (OR THREE!)

But, here's an honest fact: Sometimes it's just hard to talk about in few words, and confessing to a friendly stranger who asks how many children you have that you really have 2 and not just 1 because 1 died, equals a really awkward situation. For me, being asked that question was difficult, but mostly because the honest answer to the question was likely going to make the person who asked it feel incredibly sorry for asking it in the first place. I hated that feeling; that making-them-feel-sorry feeling.

One way to handle this situation is to not answer the question honestly to try to avoid said awkwardness. Not the best solution. I know this, because I did it once. After Ethan died I didn't leave the house for weeks. When I finally ventured out, a woman who had seen me previously in passing when I was pregnant asked with extreme enthusiasm "Ohhh, where is the baby!???" --- I froze. I didn't know what to say. I didn't know how to talk about it, nor did I want to hear myself say it. And then there was that whole making-them-feel-sorry thing I mentioned. So, all I could manage to get out was "He's at home with my husband...".

The conversation ended without further incident. SUCCESS! I had managed to avoid THAT conversation... the one where I had to say my son died.

It was the first time I had been faced with that question, AND OH THE GUILT that set in from what I had said just to avoid the truth. It was horrible. Beyond horrible. There I was feeling that way just for trying to keep someone else, a complete stranger, from feeling bad for asking me a simple question... Why was I doing this to myself?

Feeling comfortable and confident in my own skin again became a new focus for me, and one critical to my healing.

Overtime, I realized more and more that, despite how much I wish it didn't have to be, my son's passing was always going to be a part of me, my story, and my life -- and I had to accept it in order to accept me. Of course I would always feel sorrow in connection with his passing, but even greater, and even stronger than that, was the absolute joy that I felt for his life and for the time that I got to share with him when he was here. It was in learning to fully accept my son's passing and accepting myself as a bereaved parent, that I was able to learn to handle and deal with those questions confidently and with grace.

It is easy for parents who have lost a child to feel emotionally isolated from others who haven't gone through what we have. It isn't always easy to bridge that divide, but sometimes you've just got to wake up, look yourself in the mirror and say "Other people have gone through what I've gone through. Yes, my child's passing has changed me. Yes, it hurts like hell, and at times it still feels like a fresh wound, but I'm not going to feel defeated any longer. I am going to be strong for myself, and strong for my child. I am going to take all that I've learned from this, and I'm going to RUN WITH IT. I'm going to keep growing and flourishing and reminding myself each and every day that I am loved, that I am blessed, and that I am not alone."

And that, my friends, is when I decided to begin my journey to find happiness again.

- and although it wasn't bright, sunny days for a long time... I did begin to see fleeting moments of beauty again against my gray, clouded sky...

Progress.