Raychel: Guilt and Shock

One of the toughest things I had to face, besides the loss of Abigayl, was dealing with the guilt. I carried a huge burden from the moment I found her.

As I said in my last post, Abigayl slept with a blanket that almost always ended up over her face and it was that way when I found her. I know that every book, article and doctor says that you should have your baby sleep on their back and with an empty crib.

For a VERY long time I felt like if I wouldn't have put that blanket in the crib with her she would have still been with us. I struggled every day with that. The other terror that haunted me was the mental image of finding her. It was like getting kicked in the chest by an elephant every time that image popped into my head.

After months of killing myself with the guilt and mental images, I finally decided to seek help. I found a psychologist and it just so happened she used a technique called EMDR (eye movement desensitization and reprocessing) that helped me with my shock or post traumatic stress.

First, she helped me understand the guilt. The way she put it, guilt was a way for me to feel like I had some control over the situation. I DIDN'T have control over the situation. GOD had control.

Then we dealt with the mental images with EMDR. I couldn't believe how it affected me after the first session. After going 6 or 7 times, I was able to stop without having a recurrence of the strong feelings I had to those mental images. I fell that without her help I wouldn't be able to write or talk about that day. It would have been to debilitating.

If you are struggling with feelings of guilt, I highly encourage you to find someone to talk to because it is NOT your fault. There is nothing that could have been done.

Where I'm at.

It has been nearly 2 and a half years since Lila went to Heaven. For all those moms out there going through the loss of a child right now, I will tell you- I've found joy again- and life did level out- but there are days I have to drop the strong routine and just let myself hurt. I start to notice that I feel like my heart is deflating and that's when I know.. It's time to drag out the baby journal, the home videos, the mementos- it's time to cry. I had one of those days this week. I was headed to the dentist, alone in the car (the kiddos were with my mom) and the song by the band Perry came on- have you heard it? It's called "If I die young". It hit me like a ton of bricks, and I went into the dentist office with tears in my eyes and a choked feeling in my throat. The lyrics didn't entirely fit- but the words were just familiar enough to my pain to cause a reaction.

(If I die young, bury me in satin- lay me down on a bed of roses- sink me in the river at dawn- send me away with the words of a love song- Lord make me a rainbow, I'll shine down on my mother- she'll know I'm safe with you when she stands under my colors - and life ain't always what you think it ought to be, no, ain't even grey, but she buries her baby. The sharp knife of a short life, well, I've had just enough time- Go with peace and love- gather up your tears and keep em in your pocket- save them for a time when you're really gonna need them.)


I went home- finished my day as usual, then after everyone was in bed I brought out the videos. I watched Lila smile and coo at me on camera, and I let myself feel the pain I put away the other 300 and some days of the year. And it was good for my heart. Then I begged God on my knees in prayer to take this heavy burden of pain- to ease the sorrow of my aching momma heart.

And you know what? Today was a better day.

Everything's gonna be okay.

if you haven't met our baby Lila yet, you can visit her memorial page over HERE.

SIDS Fear.

I've noticed an increased amount of women blogging/tweeting about their fear of SIDS. I just have to say, Don't let fear rob you! Enjoy your babies- every minute of every day! But do stay educated on how to lower the risk: http://www.sids.org/ & http://www.firstcandle.org/ and help other mommies who have suffered the loss.

Don't feel powerless! There is so much you can do:

Offer a hand to hold.

Give endless hugs.

Be an ear to listen.

Support the cause: walk, run, donate... etc.

Be informed!

Spread the word!

IF you see someone putting a baby in a risky sleep situation, speak up!

Don't fear SIDS, help fight it!

Guest Blogger: Raychel "2 Posts in 1"

You have met Raychel before when she guest blogged for us last week. We've brought her back again because-- well, Raychel is one amazing woman! She is a momma to an angel and recently had her second little one in February. She has shown so much faith, strength and courage, and we admire her for forging ahead- despite the pain in her past.


When I saw these posts on Raychel's blog, I knew they were posts that would be good to share with our CMCM readers. Despite their loss of their precious daughter, Abi- Raychel and Rusty have grown stronger in their love for one another & are working together to build their dreams and family. Sticking together after a loss is one of the most essential parts of surviving the pain and finding joy again.


I don't normally cram two posts into one, but I thought these two were both equally worth sharing, so why wait- here's two of Raychel's posts. Feel free to leave her messages in the comment box. ;)



Post One: On Marriage -- From: June '09-
Four years ago today Rusty and I were married in Louisiana. On that day, the only stress I had was the huge storm that had blown in! There were no life losses and roller coaster rides that I had to deal with, just the pure bliss of knowing I was becoming Mrs. Stamper! Thankfully, that storm blew through, and we were still able to wed outside surrounded by the beautiful gardens.
In our four years, we have definitely been on a roller coaster. Marriage isn't always easy, but if you make the choice to choose love and happiness and work through the hard times... the end result is pure love and admiration for one another.I love my husband so much. I am thankful every day that God put him in my life. I am the lucky one. He is the best husband, most amazing father and truly my best friend. God knew exactly what he was doing when he created him and then put us together.Who would have thought that I would meet my husband in Oklahoma when I was living in California?! I'm glad I made the trip that summer and thankful that we hit it off so quickly. Our love has been through the wringer, but yet we are stronger and more in love than ever...

On their wedding day: Rusty & Raychel.

Post Two: One Year Since Abi went to Heaven --From: September 30, 2009
One year ago today, my life changed in a way that I never thought would happen to me. I felt more pain, sorrow, anger and shock than I ever had in my life. Soon after, I realized that I was blessed. I was blessed with the knowledge of where she was, I was blessed with four months with a healthy, happy baby, I was blessed with prayers of support and strength, I was blessed with a husband that never once cast blame on me but only supported me and loved me.During this year, I have had to move past a lot of blame issues. Thankfully, I found a person to talk to and work through the blame and shock with, so I could grieve in a healthy way. I can now look upon this day without feeling like I could have done something to change the outcome. I can look at today and know that my sweet girl is our angel and is enjoying the wonders of Heaven. She was hand picked by God to join him in his kingdom, and she is not pining for me, she is waiting for the day that I will join her.Through Abigayl's passing, I have found friendships that I know will last a lifetime, I have found a church family that I love, I have renewed my faith and have become a stronger Christian, and I have grown closer to my husband.I miss Abigayl terribly and I love her with every cell in my body. She is my sweet angel and I can't wait to see her, hold her and kiss her again. The great thing is... I know that I WILL.

Raychel with her Angel, Abigayl.

Thanks, Raych, for allowing us to share your posts with our other SIDS moms. You are an inspiration to us, and your strength is absolutely amazing. Congratulations on your precious new baby boy. We look forward to hearing more from you here on our blog in the near future. :)

(((hugs)))

Express Yourself

After losing a little one, it takes time to start enjoying the little things in life again. Unfortunately there is no set time frame, nor is there a secret we can share to make it happen any sooner. Oftentimes the grief grabs hold of you so tightly that the thought of doing something for yourself for enjoyment is no longer desirable, if not impossible all together. Things you used to do that brought you joy might not bring you that same joy any more. Please don't be discouraged. It will take time, and sometimes finding ways to express yourself through creative mediums can help the heart on its journey of healing.

Country Mom:
I used to be big on doing at least one project each week... After Lila died- I could not force myself to even think about it... until about two weeks in when I'd rec'd my 200th sympathy card. I was so angry-staring at that pile- wishing there wasn't a reason for people to send me those cards. That's when I realized I could do something productive with that pile of cards. I started cutting them up, scrapbooking them, and branching off into other projects.

I also had over 45 flower arrangements from her funeral, that drove me crazy. Our kitchen was a JUNGLE.. Picture that, 45 massive arrangements. I set to work and tore them all apart- nicely I mean, sorted all the flowers by type and photographed them. My husband, at first, wondered why i was "ruining" the arrangements- but really it turned out so much nicer for her memory albums- see what i mean here:

After grouping and photographing them, I hung them upside down to dry- then gave little dried arrangements to those who were close to her. It was one more way to remember my sweet girl.

I had these little books made up at walmart.com and was very pleased with them, I started with all the pictures from her birth up through her memorial service. They are all encompassing.

The sympathy cards I scrapbooked after Lila's passing.

I've always been a huge fan of making my own versions of shabby-chic- so i made this shadowbox for our family from an old printing press box. I have slowly been adding little things that symbolize our family. The most recent edition was a little Lila Angel made by Wendi. This is a project that is moving slowly- mostly because I'm trying to put things that mean something to us, and they don't all just appear at once- it takes years to save things. For now it's home is one my dresser, eventually I hope to have it in the livingroom when it's complete. I eventually got back to my love of photography and let Lila and her nicknames inspire me. Lila was our Lila Bird so I found ways to express my longing for her through my work.
City Mom:

I enjoyed tiny craft projects and painting little things before Ethan died. After his passing, I just couldn't find the desire to do anything of the sort. Only months later did I feel inspired to do something creative again, and Ethan was that inspiration. I started by painting little things that made me think of him, and with time was able to branch out to things that were more for my own enjoyment. Believe me, I am no professional by any means, but it felt good to get back in touch with my creative side again... a part of me that I missed greatly.

I painted this to put out at his spot in the spring.

What are some things you've done to help express yourself or to find some enjoyment again? Do you paint, or perhaps you scrapbook? Feel free to share here!

Survival for Moms: One Day at a Time.

Everyone grieves differently, but here are some of the things (big & small) that helped me get through the thick of it. We hope that some of these things can help you through those hard days. You CAN do this, you CAN survive it... It's not easy, but we're here for you!

Where to start? Well, I'm just going to list some things in no particular order that I have thought about/tried/worked on for the last two years since Lila's passing. Bear with me as I say "I" a lot... and it's going to look like a big ol' run on sentence, but this is me trying to process a million thoughts and condense them into one blog post.

* I did my best to deal with everything ONE DAY AT A TIME.. Trying to decide what to do a year down the road and when to try to have another baby is too much at first. It is best to just survive, shower, enjoy food again, find the will to get out of bed and put on some make up... just the every day basics need to be tackled at first.. just to get you back into the swing of life. *I kept telling myself it wasn't a punishment, God took her for reasons I couldn't (and didn't want to) understand... But I kept saying in my head, "This is NOT a punishment." This is God's plan in action. *I reminded myself daily that she would never suffer, never feel pain, never be hurt by another human, never experience grief- she is in the most perfect place EVER waiting for us. *I searched the psalms in the bible, knowing that there were a lot that spoke to the heart of what i was facing, as did the story of Job. I decided I wouldn't allow God/Christ to be my "religion" I was going to make it a true relationship, and I started talking to him in my mind CONSTANTLY. He became my one on one confidant since I felt like other people didn't understand or didn't have the time to hear me rehash daily. *I made Faith my personal mantra. Wendi and I bonded over this word also- because that's what will get us there to see our children and our maker. Faith. *I made a website for Lila so I could "visit" on days when I couldn't bear to go to the cemetery and see that fresh dirt surrounding her stone. *I scrapbooked all of my sympathy cards so I could remind myself I was loved, blessed, and that people really did care- even if they didn't understand exactly what i was feeling.*I asked my husband to just hug me, sometimes up to ten minutes a hug- because it felt safe in his arms. *I stopped allowing myself to play the "what if" game everyday because all it did was hurt me more. There is no good reason to allow yourself to hurt your heart even more. The what if's are one of the worst things a mother can put herself through. *I allowed myself time and space by turning the ringer off on the phone some days, but tried hard not to become a recluse. It was a hard balance, so sometimes to clear my head I'd go for long walks by myself. *I read through the books in the sids survival kit provided to me by tinyhandprints.org . *I stopped allowing myself to search the internet for other people's tragic stories, they only brought more tears and more pain... instead I looked for people like Wendi who still hung on to positivity and hope despite their pain. *I busied myself with projects and commitments to keep my mind from focusing on it too much, but sometimes this was a little too much. I realized that I did need time to grieve and not to push it deeper inside where it would fester. This is a hard balance, I'm still not a pro, but I've gotten to the point where I only have about two major cry-fests per year regarding Lila. They usually come the week of her birthday and the week of her angel anniversary. *I still struggle with this one- but I try not to question God on why some people have children that they don't love and don't take care of - and yet they are blessed with one child after another that is living a terrible life in comparison to my loved, well cared for child whom he took up to Heaven. This is a toughie. You just have to keep telling yourself where your baby is and how safe they are. *I tried to focus on making it an eye-opening experience. To help me see how AMAZING life is and even though the world is full of selfish, hateful people- it's full of loving, kind ones too. There's a blessing everywhere you look, you have to choose to see it that way. I have some vinyl lettering on the mirror in my bathroom to remind me daily, it's a silver set of words that is simple and so very true- "Our life is what our thoughts make it." *I got to the point after year one where I could choose not to think about the night mirror of finding our baby had died in her bed. I didn't think this would ever come, but Wendi was further into it at the time than I was and she had told me she'd finally reached that mark. It was a relief when it would pop into my head- and I could say NO and shut it off, turn off the memories and the visions replaying in my mind. Whenever I did let it play, it caused more hurt. Being able to shut it off was a Gift from God. *I allowed myself to feel the prayers people were praying for me. I would sit in a quiet place and close my eyes- listen to birds- and just relax. I knew they were praying for peace and healing, and rather than scoff, I absorbed that love they were sending up to the Heavens for me in their prayers.*I would tell myself at the end of the day that it was time to sit down, look at pics and just cry by myself, because holding it in caused stress, pain, and heartache. It felt good to keep her memory fresh, to put more pics of her up around the house, to allow myself to miss her and not bottle it up. *I became a hugger. I was always a "touch me not" with people outside my family. I allowed people to hug me, and started requesting hugs. I found they were good physical therapy for my heart. There's a lot more, but that's some of it, sorry to keep saying "I" but that's what I did. Some of it anyway..


PLEASE feel free to leave your email the comment box if you want us to contact you, we are here for you!

Country Mom: Words.

When someone is grieving, everyone wants to (or tries to) say the right thing. Most of the time they say words of comfort, but sometimes the wrong thing comes out. Even after having lost a child of my own, I still sometimes have trouble comforting others in their grief. But I know for sure there are a few things that pierced my heart that aren't on the list of good things to say.

"He/She is better off." "It happened for a reason." "You can have another baby."

"Why did God allow that to happen to you?"

Those are things that should never be said.

After Lila's funeral I had time to reflect on everyone who came through the line and shared words, hugs and tears.. I found the most comforting thing was when someone just whispered an "I'm sorry" and just hugged me as tightly as possible. That's the best thing (I think) anybody could have done. A hug speaks from the heart.

Missing you, Sweet Lila Grace.

Today and forever until I see you again.

Just For Today

I came across this several months ago and saved it - Now seems like the perfect time to share it..

Just For Today

Just for today I will try to live through the next 24 hours
and not expect to get over my child's death,
but instead learn to live with it, just one day at a time.

Just for today I will remember my child's life, not just his death,
and bask in the comfort of all those treasured days
and moments we shared.


Just for today I will forgive all the family and friends
who didn't help or comfort me the way I needed them to.
They truly did not know how.


Just for today I will smile no matter how much I hurt on the inside,
for maybe if I smile a little,
my heart will soften and I will begin to heal.


Just for today I will reach out to comfort a relative or friend of my child,
for they are hurting too,
and perhaps we can help each other.


Just for today I will free myself from my self-inflicted burden of guilt,
for deep in my heart I know if there was anything in this world
I could of done to save my child from death,
I would of done it.


Just for today I will honor my child's memory
by doing something with another child
because I know that would make my own child proud.


Just for today I will offer my hand in friendship
to another bereaved parent
for I do know how they feel.


Just for today when my heart feels like breaking,
I will stop and remember that grief is the price we pay for loving
and the only reason I hurt is because
I had the privilege of loving so much.


Just for today I will not compare myself with others.
I am fortunate to be who I am
and have had my child for as long as I did.


Just for today I will allow myself to be happy,
for I know that I am not deserting him by living on.


Just for today I will accept that I did not die when my child did,
my life did go on,
and I am the only one who can make that life worthwhile once more.


-Vicki Tushingham

Grief Counseling

FirstCandle.org offers a wonderful service to grieving families -- By calling the below toll free number, you have instant access to a Grief Counselor who is available to speak to you 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.

1-800-221-7437
24 hours a day, 7 days a week

If you or somebody you know has suffered the loss of a child and is need of assistance (or even just someone to talk to) please do not hesitate to use this service.

First Candle is one of the nation’s leading nonprofit organizations dedicated to safe pregnancies and the survival of babies through the first years of life. Want to learn more about First Candle and the amazing work they are doing? Click here: www.firstcandle.org

City Mom: The Desire to be Happy Again

As much as it is a very personal matter for me to discuss the loss of my child, I realize that a lot of people feel that it is too sad or too dark of a part of themselves to share... something that is better whispered or abbreviated in conversation (if not skipped altogether). But for me and other parents who have experienced the loss of a child, it is a very BIG part of who we are. Oftentimes, however, we can't help but feel that we should only talk about our child with our head hung low - but why! In my heart, I feel so blessed and grateful to have had that time with Ethan that I COULD SHOUT IT FROM A MOUNTAIN TOP! (OR THREE!)

But, here's an honest fact: Sometimes it's just hard to talk about in few words, and confessing to a friendly stranger who asks how many children you have that you really have 2 and not just 1 because 1 died, equals a really awkward situation. For me, being asked that question was difficult, but mostly because the honest answer to the question was likely going to make the person who asked it feel incredibly sorry for asking it in the first place. I hated that feeling; that making-them-feel-sorry feeling.

One way to handle this situation is to not answer the question honestly to try to avoid said awkwardness. Not the best solution. I know this, because I did it once. After Ethan died I didn't leave the house for weeks. When I finally ventured out, a woman who had seen me previously in passing when I was pregnant asked with extreme enthusiasm "Ohhh, where is the baby!???" --- I froze. I didn't know what to say. I didn't know how to talk about it, nor did I want to hear myself say it. And then there was that whole making-them-feel-sorry thing I mentioned. So, all I could manage to get out was "He's at home with my husband...".

The conversation ended without further incident. SUCCESS! I had managed to avoid THAT conversation... the one where I had to say my son died.

It was the first time I had been faced with that question, AND OH THE GUILT that set in from what I had said just to avoid the truth. It was horrible. Beyond horrible. There I was feeling that way just for trying to keep someone else, a complete stranger, from feeling bad for asking me a simple question... Why was I doing this to myself?

Feeling comfortable and confident in my own skin again became a new focus for me, and one critical to my healing.

Overtime, I realized more and more that, despite how much I wish it didn't have to be, my son's passing was always going to be a part of me, my story, and my life -- and I had to accept it in order to accept me. Of course I would always feel sorrow in connection with his passing, but even greater, and even stronger than that, was the absolute joy that I felt for his life and for the time that I got to share with him when he was here. It was in learning to fully accept my son's passing and accepting myself as a bereaved parent, that I was able to learn to handle and deal with those questions confidently and with grace.

It is easy for parents who have lost a child to feel emotionally isolated from others who haven't gone through what we have. It isn't always easy to bridge that divide, but sometimes you've just got to wake up, look yourself in the mirror and say "Other people have gone through what I've gone through. Yes, my child's passing has changed me. Yes, it hurts like hell, and at times it still feels like a fresh wound, but I'm not going to feel defeated any longer. I am going to be strong for myself, and strong for my child. I am going to take all that I've learned from this, and I'm going to RUN WITH IT. I'm going to keep growing and flourishing and reminding myself each and every day that I am loved, that I am blessed, and that I am not alone."

And that, my friends, is when I decided to begin my journey to find happiness again.

- and although it wasn't bright, sunny days for a long time... I did begin to see fleeting moments of beauty again against my gray, clouded sky...

Progress.

Sibling Grief

Country Mom here... I wanted to tackle a tough post...
This is one of the most difficult subjects for me to write about, but if I can help another parent- it's worth writing.

Grief knows no age.

When Lila passed away, we had so many people say that her big sister wouldn't remember..

....wouldn't feel the hurt....

....wouldn't know the pain... because she was quote- "too little."

Unfortunately that wasn't the case. At 2 1/2 she was old enough to not only remember, she was old enough to feel all the hurt that we felt and then some. To this very day she talks about her sister and tells us all the memories she has of things that went on. Each time she plays at the park or goes to a fun new place she says, "I wish my sister could be here."

We went through a long and difficult period of night terrors, acting out, aggression, tears, and more with our oldest. She would sit straight up in her bed at night and scream "I don't want God to take me!" She was terrified that because her sister died, she could be next. We had to pour on the love and do our best to comfort her daily until she finally started to emerge from the grief rut she was in. This was made even more difficult by the fact that we were hurting too.

It's hard to lose a child, and it deepens the wound to see the pain in their siblings faces. It's hard to see their pain when they realize for the first time in their lives that people can and do sometimes leave- and you cannot get them back. I used the word "hard" here, it's a bland word, I could probably do better- but nothing can really describe the bottomless pit of hurt your heart feels in this situation.

It has been 2 years since Lila's death. Maddie still comes to us and startles us with random questions at times you don't expect them. She remembers the paramedics in the house, the casket at the funeral, the weeping people standing around in black.

I'm no expert, but I can tell you this- she couldn't process those feelings and thoughts at age 2, but the memories were such contrasting incidents compared to the previous calm of her life - that she could not forget them. She held onto them and as each new age comes, and each new stage of intelligence comes- she brings those old memories forth and tries to deal with them.

We noticed that the more we explained God's promise of Heaven, the more children's books we read about the subject, and the more love we share- the better she feels. Her healing is much slower than ours because it took her longer to deal with the situation- but she is healing! This is so good to see.

When we had our third child, Maddie never showed a hint of jealousy, never got angry with him.. She loves him endlessly. I attribute this to the fact that she knows how fast someone can come and go from your life. I want to live like she does and never take anyone for granted.

Age doesn't make us exempt from pain.

Memorial Websites

There are many ways of remembering your little one, the choices are infinite. We both made memorial websites for our babies, and this is actually what brought us together! The sites opened the opportunity for us to meet other moms who have been in our shoes and make lasting friendships.

Here are some of our thoughts on them-

City Mom

About a month after Ethan died, I came across the http://www.last-memories.com website and created a free trial page for him. It was very easy to make and even had a few pre-made layouts that I could choose from. Little did I know, creating his memorial site would actually turn out to be a huge HUGE outlet for me. I enjoyed that I could share not only my memories, but all that Ethan was and meant to me as well.

His memorial page has been a wonderful outlet for my family as well. They could come and "visit" his page when they were missing him and they could also get a glimpse into how both my husband and I were feeling by what we wrote. On days when it was too much to go to Ethan's grave, we could still visit his memorial page and light a candle. It was a constant "place" for us, and was accessible no matter the time of day or night we needed it.

My husband and I paid to make Ethan's site available permanently because it proved to be so wonderful for us. Overtime it would also help me to connect with so many other parents just like me, including Country Mom. The families on there are beyond wonderful, and the support they offered truly helped at my greatest times of need.

Looking at his site now, I am amazed that he's had over 70,000 visitors. It does my heart good knowing that his life and story continues to touch lives each and every day.

If you create a site for your angel and have questions along the way, please do not hesitate to ask us. We would love to assist you or provide you support during the process. I remember that it took me months before I could get up the strength to write Ethan's "Life Story". Remember that everything can be done on your own time, and we are here for support if you need it.

Click this picture to visit Ethan's site.

Country Mom

After Lila was gone I felt like I needed to be in contact with another mom who understood. I searched the web for a support group that seemed like a good fit, but there weren't any that spoke to my heart. I stumbled upon http://www.last-memories.com/. I clicked several sample pages- one of which led me to Wendi's page for Ethan. I read through the site and noted that she was a lot like myself and had many of the same feelings I did.

I started my own page that day and shortly after, contacted Wendi through Ethan's site. The site was simple and easy to make, it didn't take much more than basic computer knowledge to assemble. The parts I couldn't figure out, I consulted Wendi and the help pages for- and they always had an answer. When you start out, the page is free, it does have an expiration on the free trial, but is less than $70 for a lifetime membership. At first I didn't think I'd keep the site for long, but I soon found that it was aiding me in my healing process. It was a place I could go and journal feelings, view her pictures, light her a "candle." It was also a spot where my family from out of state could visit, since paying their respects at her grave site wasn't possible for them.

I also added her page to the http://www.sids.org/ memorial page and started receiving emails from other people who had lost a baby. Before long her page had reached 50,000 visits which made my heart happy knowing that my baby was being remembered. I should also note the amazing group of people who use last memories- all the moms and grandmas are friends and light candles for each other's babies. It's truly remarkable how a loss can bring so many strangers together from different parts of the world and make them feel like family.

It also serves as a place where Lila's spirit and the love she brought can keep on growing and making beautiful things happen. I highly recommend the last memories free trial, it can help you decide if this is a good fit for your family. (There are other memorial websites as well, I have tried another, but found last memories to be the easiest to use)

Click this picture to visit Lila's site.

Please note, the reviews expressed here are merely our opinion and based upon our own personal experiences with the website. We have not been paid for this review, nor are we affiliated with the company responsible for providing these sites beyond using them for our own memorial sites. Feel free to contact us with questions in the comment box.

Tiny Handprints

If you want to see something amazing, visit http://www.tinyhandprints.org/

Tiny Handprints is a non-profit organization that offers comfort and support to people affected by the devastating loss of a child to SIDS. It was started by a couple who lost their precious 10 month old son, Jacob, in January of 2007. They created a "SIDS Survival Kit" - a packet consisting of items of particular significance for the journey through grief. Their goal is to reach newly bereaved parents with materials as soon as possible after their loss of an infant.

Stephanie of Tiny Handprints found me shortly after Lila passed away. She spotted our web link on the sids.org page and contacted me right away. The books, emails, and other resources she provided me with helped me through some of the darkest days. They were filled with words of understanding, encouragement, and love- but the most important part was knowing that someone like Stephanie was out there. It absolutely amazed me that someone who felt this kind of pain was willing to start up a non-profit so she could help others. Talk about a selfless, kindhearted, angel! It's people like those at Tiny Handprints that help the rest of us grow, and get stronger -so we can pass on the love later when it's our turn.

If you know someone who has lost a baby to SIDS, consider sharing the Tiny Handprints information with them. It's another hand to hold when they need it most.

With Love,

Country Mom

What NOT to Expect..

It's hard to explain the whirlwind of emotions you experience when you've lost a child. Everyone grieves differently... but one of the most important things to remember is NOT to expect other people in your life to deal with it the same way you do- or to expect too much of yourself. There is no comparing, no standard process, no magic formula to grieving. It is important to remember this - otherwise family relationships and marriages are often found in jeopardy when the expectations placed on one another are too high. Here's a little insight into our own experiences within this topic.. And remember- we are not experts, BUT we are mothers who have traversed this path and know what worked for us.. Everyone is different!



Country Mom..

I remembered hearing that men and women grieve differently. That was something that stuck in the back of my mind from long ago. I never knew that I'd find it out for myself at such a early stage in my life. When Lila died, I remember thinking how important it was going to be to make an extra effort to stay close to my husband. I didn't want to lose my child and my marriage. So we did our very best not to expect anything from each other, but to give as much as we could. The result was a good one- each of us giving equaled neither of us feeling shorted. In the end we helped one another nurse the wound in a way that was good for both of us. I didn't push him to shed more tears and he didn't push me to stop shedding tears. We noticed right away the gender specific traits are prominent in grief. Although we both missed her desperately, we didn't express it in the same way.

We started praying together, out loud, in our bed- every night before falling asleep. It was a good time to be honest with each other, ourselves and God. This is something we still do, after all this time. It made the lines of communication clearer and helped to draw us closer.

It has been a little over two years now since she passed away, and I know without a doubt, our marriage is stronger than ever. We've been through one of the biggest trials a couple can face, if we survived that, I'm praying we can survive whatever life still has to come.

As for other family members, your parents, your siblings, your other children- the same thing applies- you can't force them to feel exactly the way you feel. Trying to make people feel a certain way will only end in disaster. Love each other, and remember that you're lucky to have those people in your life! You never know how much time each of us has left.



City Mom..

After Ethan died, I remember finding it very hard to articulate how I felt. The feelings I were saturated in seemed so foreign to me at the time, and truthfully, I don't think my mind nor my body knew how to handle it all. Everything that had happened, happened so quickly, and it just didn't make sense to me; how my healthy child who I held and cared for, that I loved so truly and deeply, could be gone from me in an instant.

So many hopes and dreams,...everything, just slipped away from me that night that Ethan died. I had to put a lot of focus on a promise I made to Ethan; that I would never allow the pain and hurt of losing him overshadow all the good and joy he has brought into my life.

It was a daily struggle, but with time, I was able to make true to that promise.

But what did I learn along the way?

That you have to have some fight in you at a time when you feel like you've got nothing left in you. You have to dig deep and pull strength from places you didn't even know existed within yourself. And, most importantly, you have to decide that you want to learn to live and grow in a world again in which your child no longer exists. This is something that is easier said than done, but with perseverance, it IS achievable.

It is also important to remember to be patient with yourself. You may witness your spouse or family member seeming to be further along in their healing, and you're left asking yourself what is it that you're doing wrong --- but the truth is, as Carrie mentioned, there is no set path or set time for grieving. Each person will handle things differently, and forging forward with that understanding is truly important. My husband and I were brought so much closer by Ethan's passing. We cried together, we listened to each other, and we were in it together. My family was also very supportive and knew when to just listen... I remain so very grateful for all that they did for me.

My husband and I got matching tattoos in the few days following Ethan's passing. A single word on our wrists; a place where at a glace we would be reminded.

...to be patient with ourselves in our grieving
...to be patient with the world and others around us who may not understand all that we're going through
...and most importantly, to be patient to see our little Ethan again one day.