July 31, 2010

Carrie: How Would It Be with Three?

I babysat for a friend of ours today. Her little one is just around six months younger than our sweet Lila Grace. I've babysat for her before- but today it really hit me as she followed me around the house- this is that age range Lila would be in now. This is what it would be like if I had all three of my babies here with me on Earth. It was interesting to sit in another room and listen to her chat in toddler talk to my five year old. It was at that moment that I really thought about how hard all of this has been on Maddie. Jude is the youngest, he came after the loss- he'll never know exactly what this family has been through- all he'll know is that he is loved even further (beyond measure) because of our exposure to SIDS. As for Maddie- she held her sister in her arms, sang her lullabies, helped wrap her Christmas gifts, kissed her on her chubby cheeks- all of these memories she still has- and you add all that up, and I can only imagine the longing she has in her little heart. It makes me wish I was brave enough to give her another brother or sister in hopes that it would bring forth another baby girl. But we all know- it wouldn't be Lila- it wouldn't be the same. I suppose in some ways our steps toward foster parenting will be a huge blessing to our family because we have all this love to give, and we feel like somebody is missing. At the same time I wonder if the constant revolving door of the foster system will make it hard on my own kids because they are constantly saying hello and goodbye to other children. At this point (with just one week until our first class) I feel the strength and courage to push forward and find out. I just pray that it will be that blessing, and that my children will learn to understand. Only the Lord knows where this and all our roads lead. I just need to put my trust and faith in him and keep going. It's really hard sometimes, isn't it?! I guess we're all 'works in progress.'

Jude (left) Maddie (right) and our little guest in the middle. :)
Dear God, please hold our little family close to you and help us to fully trust in you and not question your will.


  1. You never know, maybe one day in the future you will decide on one more. Or, God will decide it for you ;) I can't wait to read all about your fostering experiences. I know that the children that end up with your family are super blessed. You are all so loving.

  2. Carrie - I just happened to look at this blog tonight. I often think about Ava and Lila being about the same age and how they would play together and how we would watch them go through school together. And I know exactly what you mean about wondering what it would be like - I have been having the same feelings lately since I should have a one month old baby now too. I often wonder what it would be like to have a toddler and a newborn right now... We obviously learn that God's plans and timing are not the same as ours!