Four Years.

It has been four years since our little one went to Heaven. We slept so peacefully that night that I felt the heaviest burden of guilt when we awoke to the chaos that had suddenly become our lives... But it dawned on me during the early stages of grief... that it is absolutely true that GOD is in control of everything. We only fool ourselves into thinking we own these moments and control our destiny and that's why grief knocks people down so hard! Until we surrender to God and accept that there is a gorgeous, sparkling eternity of hope on the other side- we live in darkness. We stand united as a family now, only because we chose to break through that darkness and look to the Lord to help us. He has healed us, put our hearts back together, allowed us to help others hurting from the same thing, blessed us in so many ways we can barely recount them all without taking the span of an entire week.

If you have lost a child, my heart breaks for you, but I am filled with much hope that the Lord will pick you up and carry you through this and show you that their life hasn't really ended- they are with Him! And your life hasn't ended either- this is only a new chapter that started in a way you never would have wanted, but there is so much on the other side once you climb over this mountain. You can do this with His help. Trust in Him.

Giant hugs to you. You are in my heart and in my prayers.

The Grief/Joy Exchange.

This past week I had a bad day.
A day full of sadness and tears, remembering the pain we went through. It was this week that I realized how my life is playing out (my life since loss). It started out with a load of grief so heavy I could barely carry it (I tried to let the Lord carry it for me, but in the beginning that was a hard burden to drop at the foot of the cross.) As the past four years have passed my good days have multiplied and the bad days have lessened. I can see where, at a year in, my days were an equal mix. As we've come through these last four years- I have had less and less of those bad days. I am thankful the Lord has grown and shaped my heart, and moulded me into a stronger person.

This week I had the opportunity to share our Lila's story with yet another person suffering from loss and hurt. We randomly had a woman stop on the road in front of our home (we live in the middle of nowhere) She was traveling (on foot from far away) and she was "thinking of giving up her religion." She said she had experienced large amounts of grief in her life and she was angry. Lila's short life has brought us many opportunities to share the truth about Heaven with people we've only just met. We were able to share with her the truth that religion isn't what gets you to Heaven- it's your honest relationship with the Lord.

I am so thankful for our little girl.
I consider all of this part of the grief/joy exchange.

Maddie and I started a small tradition in memory of Lila.. it's quite simple really- we pour glitter on her grave stone. It sparkles in the sun and is absolutely gorgeous. It reminds us of the sparkle she added to our lives while she was here.

Feb 1

This past Tuesday marked three years since our precious Lila Grace went to Heaven.

When I heard the weather forecast was a blizzard and massive amounts of accumulation , it took me back to that night- three years ago -when it had been exactly the same. So much snow it took the ambulance 40 minutes to get to us. Somehow though, despite the painful reminder, we made it through the anniversary without a single tear. Our hearts are healing, and a lot of that has to do with our other children. I am thankful that God gave us the peace and trust to try again. I can't imagine what our life would have been like if we hadn't gone on to have our little Jude. Maddie and Jude are our precious little sweethearts.

It's been a hard week as all of us have been so sick, and to see the kids with high temps and sinus infections and to not be able to care for them myself has been difficult. I'm thankful my husband has been able to take some time off work and nurse us back to health.

Thank you for continuing to pray for our family and for supporting us. We love you.

Carrie: How Would It Be with Three?

I babysat for a friend of ours today. Her little one is just around six months younger than our sweet Lila Grace. I've babysat for her before- but today it really hit me as she followed me around the house- this is that age range Lila would be in now. This is what it would be like if I had all three of my babies here with me on Earth. It was interesting to sit in another room and listen to her chat in toddler talk to my five year old. It was at that moment that I really thought about how hard all of this has been on Maddie. Jude is the youngest, he came after the loss- he'll never know exactly what this family has been through- all he'll know is that he is loved even further (beyond measure) because of our exposure to SIDS. As for Maddie- she held her sister in her arms, sang her lullabies, helped wrap her Christmas gifts, kissed her on her chubby cheeks- all of these memories she still has- and you add all that up, and I can only imagine the longing she has in her little heart. It makes me wish I was brave enough to give her another brother or sister in hopes that it would bring forth another baby girl. But we all know- it wouldn't be Lila- it wouldn't be the same. I suppose in some ways our steps toward foster parenting will be a huge blessing to our family because we have all this love to give, and we feel like somebody is missing. At the same time I wonder if the constant revolving door of the foster system will make it hard on my own kids because they are constantly saying hello and goodbye to other children. At this point (with just one week until our first class) I feel the strength and courage to push forward and find out. I just pray that it will be that blessing, and that my children will learn to understand. Only the Lord knows where this and all our roads lead. I just need to put my trust and faith in him and keep going. It's really hard sometimes, isn't it?! I guess we're all 'works in progress.'

Jude (left) Maddie (right) and our little guest in the middle. :)

Dear God, please hold our little family close to you and help us to fully trust in you and not question your will.

Raychel: Our Little Blessing

Since the passing of Abigayl, Rusty and I were blessed with our beautiful son. Rowynn was born on February 5, 2010 and we have thoroughly enjoyed watching him grow and develop.

Though this is our second child it is amazing how much I feel like a first time mom. I'm experiencing things with Rowynn that I never got the chance to with Abigayl.

It was a scary to think about having another child. Rusty and I didn't know how we would sleep while he was sleeping or how we could ever be comfortable leaving him. Thankfully we were able to take care of the sleeping fear by setting him up with an apnea monitor and with time we have been able to leave him for an hour or two at a time.

The pain of losing Abigayl hasn't gone away but it has gotten easier. I no longer cry every day but I do have my days that hurt and I have to face the pain, hurt and loss.

I must admit, Rowynn has filled a place in me that I never thought would be whole again. He may end up a bit spoiled but I'm okay with that! I'm just happy to have his cheeks to kiss.

He's ONE!

I can't begin to explain the relief, emotion and all the other things that come along with this day.

I'm thinking back over every nap and every bedtime where I anxiously laid him down while saying a prayer to God asking for him to be there when I came back. My heart still aches for our precious Lila Grace, but having Jude here eased so much of that pain and taught us so many lessons about what this life is really for. I am so thankful and you know what, I honestly don't feel "broken" anymore. My loss no longer controls my life. I feel blessed to have held that baby girl in my arms, even if that time was only 86 days long.. I'm still a mother of three precious kids regardless of their location, and I feel stronger than ever.

Thank you, God!

Our Jude is ONE!

5 !!!!

I can't believe I had my first baby 5 years ago.

I'm not sure how this snuck up on me so fast, or how it's time for kindergarten already. When you have your first baby, people tell you not to blink, or you'll miss something. They are right, it passes quickly. Her birthday is this May, and she is so excited to be a 5 year old. Despite the trial of losing a sister, Maddie is doing well, she's a social butterfly when she wants to be and she is always ready for a new adventure. I think she will continue to amaze us as she grows.

Each year I take pictures of her just before her bday so we can look back and see the changes. Here are this year's pics:

Love This: Spring!!

I'm so in love with this weather and the plants. This is my first year where I haven't been either pregnant or taking care of a newborn, so I can finally tend my garden well this year and give it serious attention. I'm not babysitting this summer and Maddie and Jude are both old enough to play in the yard so it's gonna be grrrrrrrrreat! I just know it ;) I'm picturing organic veggie soups, leafy green salads, etc... Wish me luck, I may need it- it's been a long time. (Last year I was at the end of my third trimester with Jude while gardening and let's just say the weeds took over, the broccoli was taller than my extremely tall four year old, and the lettuce could have been mistaken for a tree. lol) Here are a few pics I took this past week.

Peach tree blooms

Cherry Tree BloomsApple Tree BloomsOur "squail" that's what maddie called them back when she first learned to talk.

On a somewhat related note, will SOMEBODY PLEASE inform my hubs that it is PERFECTLY ACCEPTABLE to wear sloggers when gardening!?! He laughs hysterically when he sees me tromping around the yard in my sloggers. I can't be the only one who sports these, right?! (and P.S. I don't wear them to the grocery store, they're for home only).

Country Mom: Sunny Day

I am thanking God for this sunshine and hot weather. I hear a lot of people complaining that spring never came and that it hopped right over to summer (it's been about 84ish) but I am QUITE ALRIGHT WITH THAT! LOL. I love the hot days and the cool breeze. There is almost always a breeze here, we live in a windfarm. Google that if you don't know what that is- they are pretty awesome! This past week he learned to clap and show us how "BIG" he is! :)
BIG BOY!

He FINALLY said Momma! I was on the phone with a friend when he said it for the first time, wish I'd gotten it on video, but hey at least he finally said it! (No dada yet either)

Sissy blowing raspberries on his face makes him giggle.

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Our Big 10 Month-ers!

Look how big our boys are getting! They have certainly grown our broken hearts and brought us joy... We are so thankful for these little guys! Before long we'll be planning birthday parties. Planning birthdays is a bittersweet moment in time. We are gloriously happy to be planning 1st birthday parties for our little men, but at the same time- it's a reminder that Ethan and Lila spent their first b-days in Heaven. It will continue to be this way every year until we hold those precious little people in our arms again someday. I have a smile on my face just thinking about hugging Lila so tight and looking over to see Wendi holding Ethan. :)))

City Babe: Quinn

Country Babe: Jude

Showing off his clapping skills for sissy. Not much of a baby anymore- starting to look like a toddler.

This swing ride looks uncomfortable, but he thought it was great."Oh, Mom, Did you put these away? Cuz I'm not done with them yet."

"I'll just drag them all out again- one by one."

Spring Cleaning: Day Two.

You'd be proud of me, I just know it. On spring cleaning day two (remember i decided to just tackle one room a day- and really tackle it!) I tore Maddie's room completely down, swept everything, cleaned windows, organized everything (she gives the term "pack rat" new meaning.)... Then I put everything back together but in all new spots. Whew, I'm tired. I took a break today and went to the grocery store (wait- is that a break if you have to take children with you?) Anyway, here's the finished product- room completely together and done for the year. I will tear it apart and clean it thoroughly again next spring. Until then, keep your fingers crossed and hope her "pack-rat" tendencies vanish. (PS She's going for kindergarten registration next week!! I can't BELIEVE my child is going to school!)Yeah, it's pretty girly in there. And kinda shabby chic (my husband calls my style crappy-chick. lol. I think he's kidding. But who knows. haha.)

Country Mom: Bittersweet.

Yet another set of images that have me picturing Lila sitting there playing along with them.. It's just one of those things I do and probably will do forever. But that's okay with me, I like to imagine her there with her brother and sister and wonder what she'd be like..

Peek a boo!

Oh, yeah? Let me show you what I can do.Kisses.After Easter Bunny!They wanted to pet the bunny and Maddie cried when I set all three of them free (far away from daddy and the mower!) She wanted to keep them in the house.. Not a good idea.Jude's latest and most hilarious milestone. Learning to poke and point. He adores poking sissy in the face while she watches her dvds. Poke, poke, poke, giggle, poke- after a handful of times she finds a new seat (further away from Jude and his chubby lil' finger.)

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Country Mom: Easter Sunday

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After church yesterday we had a small Easter egg hunt for the kids. It was kind of last minute, we ran out and hit eggs as fast as we could, but Maddie and Jude both loved it. It was the first time Maddie ever hunted eggs outside.

She found the giant pink egg and was super excited!

A basket was dropped and there were almost tears, but no candy was harmed. lol.

That must be one giant bird..

Jude was actually pretty excited & involved in the egg hunt for being only 10 months old. Brother and Sister on Easter Morning before church. Maddie must have been able to read my mind because during this little photo shoot she said, "I wish Lila could be here." Yep, I know. I wish Lila could be here too. It was a wonderful holiday, great to see Jude experience his first Easter, sad to see Lila miss it, but I know someday we'll all be together. That will be (for lack of a better word) Awesome.

Country Mom: {{{True Love}}}

I should start this particular post by telling you I'm an only child. We're a rare breed, you don't find many of us these days. (lol) Being an only wasn't terribly lonely, I had a SAHM (stay at home mom) and she was the type who would make time for me, play Barbies- color etc... But this is still one piece of my life I always wished I could change. I always wanted a sibling. That's one more thing that added to the giant hole in my heart when Lila passed away. It was like Maddie had been thrown right back into the only child category. She was little at the time, but she would cry and ask why Lila wasn't there to hold and kiss. She wanted to show everything to her. One day she asked me if she could hold things up high and show them to the sky and if that would help Lila to see them up in Heaven. This made the grief even harder to bear at times, seeing it through the eyes of my little girl..

When Jude came along it was as if the dark clouds lifted from Maddie's life and the sun came shining in. She loved him from the very.first.second. There was never jealousy, not a speck. She knew exactly how it felt to lose her sister and she wasn't going to take a minute of Jude's existence for granted. My husband and I were amazed at how much true love she had for her baby brother. For nearly 10 months now she has been his #1 fan. Every morning she bursts into his room and proclaims that he is indeed 'the cutest baby Jude in the WORLD!'

Jude came with an attitude that seemed pre-programmed to adore Maddie. From the first week at home until today, she has been and still is the most fascinating person in the room. She ranks right up there with Momma. There are days when his teething is painful, and he's screaming his head off and you think- oh no, no one but momma will do today- but you'd be wrong- Maddie is a comfort and her arms are cozy and safe enough for him to trust her too. I am amazed by this beautiful true love they share for one another. I hope it lasts a lifetime.

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