Our New Addition

This is Brennyn and he is the newest addition to our household (OK country mom). He was born on June 28th and has been an absolute blessing. He is a very good baby and I am praying that he stays that way!!

It is crazy the transformation that can take place from one child to the next. When I was blessed with Abigayl, I never once thought about SIDS. I was more concerned with autism. It is what is talked about in the media so it was the only real concern I had. After she passed and Rowynn came along, all I could think about was SIDS.  To this day, I am thankful for my obgyn making the judgment call to bring in a pediatrician that set us up with the apnea monitor. I don't think I would have survived Rowynn's infancy without that machine.

With Brennyn, we have the apnea monitor but we rarely use it. I find myself at peace with knowing God is in control and Brennyn will be okay.

For all of you mommies that have recently lost your sweet baby or those of you who have been on the journey for months or years, it will eventually get "easier". I have been walking this road for three years and through there are days I don't feel my heart will survive, there are many more days that I am full of joy. Not only joy from Abigayl's brothers but, joy that lies in the memories I have of my beautiful daughter.

A Trip Away

At the beginning of this month we decided to take Rowynn on his last family trip that would be just the three of us. I know he is young, 14 months, but we thought it would be good for him to get to have a new experience before his baby brother arrives.

For our family trip, we headed to San Antonio to let him experience Sea World. We chose Sea World because he loves animals but we also chose Sea World because it is a special place for us. It is a place where we were able to find our smiles and connect after we experienced the biggest tragedy of our lives.

A couple of days after Abigayl's funeral, we decided that it would be best to get out of town for a few days. We didn't have a lot of money so we needed somewhere that was within driving distance. We had not been to Sea World and we knew we could make the drive in one day. It was a perfect fit.

While in San Antonio/Sea World, we were able to genuinely smile. We allowed ourselves to have fun but we also felt sad that Abigayl couldn't be there to see all the pretty animals. I think the best part of the trip was that it allowed Rusty and I a few days away from family, friends and the constant reminders of our sweet little girl. It gave us those few days to connect and talk. It is hard not to talk during a 12 hour car ride!

The point in all of this, take time together. You and your spouse need time to connect. Marriage is a fragile thing and the passing of a child can drive a deep wedge. The advice we got from the doctor at the hospital where Abigayl was taken has stuck with me, he said, "Lean on each other because it is so important that you do that now. Don't point blame. There is nothing that could have been done." I am blessed because since moment one when Rusty walked through our front door and saw the paramedics working on Abigayl, I told him I was so sorry and he told me that it wasn't my fault. He has never pointed blame at me, even when I blamed myself.

Another on the Way!

I know that I have been an absentee blogger over the past few months and I apologize. Having a fourteen month old keeps me on my toes. Plus I have started watching TWO five year old boys AND I am 27 weeks pregnant!! Let's just say that there is not a lot of spare time anymore! Even though, my goal is to be more consistent with blogging on here. Just because I have Rowynn, it doesn't mean that I don't deal with really hard days or moments in the day.

Today I have to make this one short. But, I wanted to send out an apology for my lack of writing and also say that I will be better at being a little more consistent.

I hope you have a wonderful week and know that my thoughts and prayers are with all of the families that have lost their precious baby. I know the pain you are going through and I am so sorry.

Christmas Gift

 Every year, as hard as it can be, we head out to Abigayl's spot to decorate for Christmas. The bright spot in the painful event was having the "help" of Rowynn this year.

 Every year it hits that I have to come to a cemetery to decorate for my daughter. I am 28 years old and this is the third Christmas we have spent decorating her spot. Though the pain doesn't hit as often as it used to, every year when we go and decorate it is so painful. I never want that pain to stop me though. I find it so important to let her have her own Christmas decorations. Though it hurts, it still brings me joy that there is something small I can still do for her on the earth even though she can't be here with us.

One of my favorite things about taking Rowynn to visit Abigayl is the moments when he gets down and touches her plaque. I just wonder if he recognizes her face from all of the pictures we have around the house. My hope is that even though he never got to meet his big sister, he will always hold a special place in his heart for her. That he will always feel a connection. I just hope I can help him feel that bond.

On a much lighter note, Rusty and I are EXPECTING!! Yes, you read correctly. Even though we have a 10 month old we are gearing up for a new addition come July 5, 2011. As of right now I am 10 weeks. I'm ready for the first trimester exhaustion to subside so I can have the energy my son demands! We are really praying for a girl this time around. I know God will do what is best for us so I'm hoping that what is best is a little girl!

Almost Two Years....

I just got off the phone with the floral department at the cemetery where our beautiful Abigayl has her spot. With the distraction of Rowynn, I don't cry as often as I used to. Especially now that my days are filled with feedings, diaper changes, LOTS of laundry, play time and following around a crawling seven month old.

But, days like today where I called to order flowers for Abi's vase, hit home the fact that I have a child in heaven. It is heart wrenching when I actually stop and take in the fact that Abigayl was here on this earth and not just a beautiful dream. I really did hold her in my arms, hear her giggle and enjoy so many wonderful days with her.

We are coming up on the anniversary of her two year angel day and it gets harder and harder as the day fast approaches. I keep trying to push it back so that I can get through all of my daily activities but when I ordered those flowers, it hit me like a tidal wave.

Though time makes it easier to get through the daily routine, our hearts forever miss our little angels and some days are harder than others.

Today, I am having one of those days.

I miss Abigayl every single day and think about her all the time. But I feel the pain on days like today when my focus is on a specific task for her.

Raychel: Guilt and Shock

One of the toughest things I had to face, besides the loss of Abigayl, was dealing with the guilt. I carried a huge burden from the moment I found her.

As I said in my last post, Abigayl slept with a blanket that almost always ended up over her face and it was that way when I found her. I know that every book, article and doctor says that you should have your baby sleep on their back and with an empty crib.

For a VERY long time I felt like if I wouldn't have put that blanket in the crib with her she would have still been with us. I struggled every day with that. The other terror that haunted me was the mental image of finding her. It was like getting kicked in the chest by an elephant every time that image popped into my head.

After months of killing myself with the guilt and mental images, I finally decided to seek help. I found a psychologist and it just so happened she used a technique called EMDR (eye movement desensitization and reprocessing) that helped me with my shock or post traumatic stress.

First, she helped me understand the guilt. The way she put it, guilt was a way for me to feel like I had some control over the situation. I DIDN'T have control over the situation. GOD had control.

Then we dealt with the mental images with EMDR. I couldn't believe how it affected me after the first session. After going 6 or 7 times, I was able to stop without having a recurrence of the strong feelings I had to those mental images. I fell that without her help I wouldn't be able to write or talk about that day. It would have been to debilitating.

If you are struggling with feelings of guilt, I highly encourage you to find someone to talk to because it is NOT your fault. There is nothing that could have been done.

Raychel: Our Little Blessing

Since the passing of Abigayl, Rusty and I were blessed with our beautiful son. Rowynn was born on February 5, 2010 and we have thoroughly enjoyed watching him grow and develop.

Though this is our second child it is amazing how much I feel like a first time mom. I'm experiencing things with Rowynn that I never got the chance to with Abigayl.

It was a scary to think about having another child. Rusty and I didn't know how we would sleep while he was sleeping or how we could ever be comfortable leaving him. Thankfully we were able to take care of the sleeping fear by setting him up with an apnea monitor and with time we have been able to leave him for an hour or two at a time.

The pain of losing Abigayl hasn't gone away but it has gotten easier. I no longer cry every day but I do have my days that hurt and I have to face the pain, hurt and loss.

I must admit, Rowynn has filled a place in me that I never thought would be whole again. He may end up a bit spoiled but I'm okay with that! I'm just happy to have his cheeks to kiss.

Raychel: My Story

I have yet to write my story on my personal blog, I guess to spare my loved ones who do not need to know the details. I feel that I can release a little more on here since I surrounded by women who understand my story and my pain.

Abigayl was taking her afternoon nap and I decided to put in a movie. I knew it was time for her to get up but thought she was sleeping so well that I would let her sleep a little longer. When another 30-45 minutes had passed and she still wasn't up, I knew I needed to wake her if I wanted her to stay on her schedule.

It's kind of weird, I knew the minute I opened her door that something wasn't right. I think it was God's way of preparing me for what was to come.

I went to her crib and the blanket she had slept with since she was born was over her head, which was normal for her. When I pulled back her blankie there was blood in her crib. I picked her up and immediately called 911. The dispatcher walked me through CPR and I spent what felt like eternity doing CPR on Abigayl until the Fire/Ambulance got there. I knew that what I was doing wasn't going to help. I just knew. It was hard to continue on knowing that no matter what, I couldn't bring my baby back to me.

One of the fireman called Rusty and told him he needed to come home quickly. I'm so thankful that he was working in our area that day. Not only was he able to make it home swiftly but he was also able to come home on his lunch hour and play with Abigayl.

From the moment Rusty walked through the door he comforted me and never once blamed me. I'm so thankful that he never saw it as my fault. I'm blessed with a very loving husband.

At the hospital, I had to give my statement to an officer. While telling him what happened, I told him that I wished I would have had one of my neighbors get the bedding out for me. I knew that it would be hard to go back in her room later to her sheets. That very nice, amazing officer not only went back and took the bedding for me but he also showed up to Abigayl's service.

I'm so thankful that I had the support from all over to help me muddle my way through life during the days, weeks and months to follow. The main thing for me was leaning on my faith and placing my sorrow in the hands of God. I also leaned on Rusty because he was the only one who knew the loss I was going through.

I look forward to sharing more of my journey with all the moms out there who are sadly on the same journey and long road that I'm on. Together we can make it.

News!

We are now 3 Mommas!
Raychel from Oklahoma will be joining us on this blog. We are now a trio! This is very exciting, we can't wait for you to get to know Raychel. She's a mommy of two- one precious baby in Heaven and one precious little guy here on Earth. You may remember her from her previous guest blog posts here on CMCM.

Stay tuned, Raychel will be posting very soon :)