Love Can Build a Bridge.

I was sitting here listening to Country Gold tonight and the song " Love Can Build a Bridge" came on. I had totally forgotten that I'd had this on a mix cd in my car back in 2008, and I played it repeatedly because it soothed our Lila when she was fussy. I remember singing this to her day after day on my way to and from doctor visits, work, etc. It's so strange to listen to the words of the song and look back knowing what I know now. It's also difficult to hear because I know that love is what is bridging us now across this great distance between Heaven and Earth. I can't wait to smile at her, face to face and tell her how glad I am to see her when I get there too one day.

Four Years.

It has been four years since our little one went to Heaven. We slept so peacefully that night that I felt the heaviest burden of guilt when we awoke to the chaos that had suddenly become our lives... But it dawned on me during the early stages of grief... that it is absolutely true that GOD is in control of everything. We only fool ourselves into thinking we own these moments and control our destiny and that's why grief knocks people down so hard! Until we surrender to God and accept that there is a gorgeous, sparkling eternity of hope on the other side- we live in darkness. We stand united as a family now, only because we chose to break through that darkness and look to the Lord to help us. He has healed us, put our hearts back together, allowed us to help others hurting from the same thing, blessed us in so many ways we can barely recount them all without taking the span of an entire week.

If you have lost a child, my heart breaks for you, but I am filled with much hope that the Lord will pick you up and carry you through this and show you that their life hasn't really ended- they are with Him! And your life hasn't ended either- this is only a new chapter that started in a way you never would have wanted, but there is so much on the other side once you climb over this mountain. You can do this with His help. Trust in Him.

Giant hugs to you. You are in my heart and in my prayers.

Precious in His Sight.

Carrie here.

I honestly can't remember if I've posted this story before, but I wanted to be sure it was shared. It's an experience I had with an answered prayer. One that was so obvious it couldn't be denied.

When we were preparing for Lila's funeral, we had trouble deciding what to put on her stone. I was sitting in the car outside the cemetery caretaker's home (Josh was inside discussing details.) I was flipping through the bible looking for four words we could put on her stone. Engraving costs were by the word and four more was about all we could afford at the bottom.

I grew upset because I wanted God to allow me to "just turn to a page". It was such a difficult trial in my life, and I just wanted him to make something - anything- easy. I had little patience. It was then that I broke down in tears and prayed for help. I told him I'd wait for his answer. That was on a Monday afternoon. Later that night our bible study group came to our home to be with us and to pray. It was amazing that they'd even made it considering the conditions outside. The fog was thick, not the usual kind of fog, but so thick you could scarcely make out your own hand in front of your face. Along with their visit- they gave us another gift- a tangible one- a blanket from the church. I opened it up, it was a depiction of Jesus with a child, across the bottom it read: Precious in His Sight.

From that moment on, I did not doubt that God heard my prayers. It strengthened my prayer life in a way that I could not have accomplished on my own. God is great. When I get down and miss my daughter, I remind myself that she is precious and she's not only in His sight, She's in His arms!

And that was what we had engraved on her stone.

I send my love to all you other mommas who have children in Heaven. Keep pushing forward and rely on the Lord. He will light your path- no matter how dark. And He will hear your prayers, no matter how small.

A Merry Christmas

Hey there, long time no blog, I know.. In case you forgot who I am, allow me to reintroduce myself, I am Lila's Momma (Carrie). Sometimes this blog is a struggle for me. Blogging on it can bring me back to the past, a place I wish not to dwell, but at the same time I know there are other Mommas out there struggling at this very moment with wounds that are so much like my own that I want to be there for them, even if it does feel painful to come here sometimes. I remember surfing the Internet after her passing, searching for another human who had some inkling of what I was going through, someone to connect with. And that is what keeps me coming back here- even if it's not very often.

We had a Merry Christmas at our house, (despite the passing around of the stomach flu). One of the best little moments was seeing Jude (our little 18 monther) walk into the living room with Lila's blanket (the one we'd given her on her first and only Christmas with us) He plopped down on the floor and began rubbing his nose with her blankey (this is a habit he has that he comforts himself with) and just the fact that it was her blanket was enough to warm up my heart and make me feel closer to her. She is still with us in our hearts even though she's in the arms of Jesus.

September, October, November

Us three mommas have angel anniversaries/birthdays coming up and would be grateful for your prayers for continued peace and comfort as we forge ahead.

September 30th is the 2 yr mark since Abigayl went to Heaven.

October 20th is the 3 yr mark since Ethan went to Heaven.

November 7th would have been Lila's 3rd birthday.

Thank you to everyone for your love, encouragement, support and prayers.

Hugs..

Taking a Minute to Remember...

Click below to visit our memorial page:

Let's take a minute to remember these special little people today.

If you'd like to add your little angel, you can email their photo and name

to us at cmcm.support @gmail dot com

In Their Shoes... {{{Climbing on my Soap box}}}

Can you believe it's 2010 and the topic of infant loss is still considered a bit taboo?

In the two years since my daughter's death I have found a lot of support- but I still do run across the occasional person who asks me how many kids I have and regrets asking once I explain where #2 of the three Bower children is.

I hope in my lifetime to see a major decrease in the loss of these precious children. I also hope to see the doors of communication opening up & acceptance of the fact that it is OK to talk about baby loss. We live in a society where it is acceptable to drop the "f bomb" and other choice words on national television in front of children, and it's acceptable to say anything you want on twitter- so why is not okay to express your pain, grief, and sadness over the loss of a precious child whom you loved dearly?

Let's break these unwritten rules and support people the way we'd want to be supported if we were in their shoes. Let's lend an honest ear that really does want to listen and not just frown and say, oh I'm sorry I brought it up.

I took a walk today through the cemetery where we laid our precious Lila Grace to rest, and I saw at least twenty gravestones dating from the 1800s through 2008 for infants and children. Can you IMAGINE what it was like for these mothers back then? Back when health care really was awful, when they got their siblings sick and these mothers had to face not one, but two or more child deaths in one year? There weren't support groups, Internet forums, or twitter friends to help them through the dark stages of parental grief. I can only hope that their faith in God was strong enough to carry them forward and help them face life.

We can't even begin to know what it was like to walk in their shoes... But I know for sure, seeing these stones today made me realize that support and the ability to support others is a gift that we should not waste.

Let's forge ahead together and make it acceptable to talk about infant/child loss.

Who's with me?

Images from the cemetery where our Lila's spot is.

They really made my heart ache for these women who suffered the losses.

Who You'd Be Today..

Sunny days seem to hurt the most
I wear the pain like a heavy coat
I feel you everywhere I go
I see your smile, I see your face
I hear you laughing in the rain
I still can't believe you're gone
*
It ain't fair you died too young
like a story that had just begun
but death tore the pages all away
God knows how I miss you
All the hell that I've been through
Just knowing no one could take your place
Sometimes I wonder who you'd be today...

Would you see the world, would you chase your dreams
settle down with a family
I wonder what would you name your babies
Some days the sky's so blue
I feel like I can talk to you
I know it might sound crazy It ain't fair you died too young

Like a story that had just begun

But death tore the pages all away

God knows how I miss you

all the hell that I've been through

Just knowing no one could take your place

sometimes I wonder who you'd be today

*

Today, Today, Today

Today, Today, Today

*

Sunny days seem to hurt the most

I wear the pain like a heavy coat

The only thing that gives me hope

is I know I'll see you again someday

*

Someday, Someday.

*

written by Bill Luther & Aimee Mayo

sung by Kenny Chesney.

Country Mom: Some Lila Related Photos..

I'm glad I was always such an avid photo taker. Otherwise I might not have the cd full of Lila photos that I have now. We are lucky enough to have over 100 photos of our precious girl.
If you read my last post (entitled- the worst day of my life) then you'll understand the background behind some of these photos I'm sharing with you today.

Lila's Room, she never got to use it, she was still in our room. I left it this way for a long time, actually- until I was ready to get pregnant again.The photo of her in her room would catch rainbows from the mirrored closet. I now think of rainbows as a reminder that she's up there waiting.
This is the morning of her funeral. One of the people in the funeral procession took this picture. The massive snow we'd had the morning of her death had all melted and flooded many of the roads... the fog was thick until midday- but it sure fit the mood we were all in. I was relieved it wasn't sunny on the day we had to bury our sweetheart.

At her funeral service, this is her casket. We kept it closed because we didn't think other people needed to see how horrible it is to look upon an infant that is gone... Those are her actual little shoes there on the table. I couldn't bear to put them on her, she hated shoes and hats, so I couldn't have the lady dress her with either. I knew she'd want to be without them. Deciding what to put in her casket was a hard thing to do, especially deciding what would be on her body forever. I chose her dedication dress that she'd worn just the Sunday before she passed away.

This is the actual snowy morning she passed. This is after we came home.

I knew that someday Maddie would ask me a lot of questions about that day, and I wanted to have something to show her, to comfort her. The day was so still, so quiet- most of the state couldn't get out of their houses that day, so there weren't cars on the road, everything was still.

This is one of the photos the nurses in the NICU took when Lila stayed there after her birth.

She had cleft palate (not cleft lip though) and didn't want to take a bottle. She stayed 2 weeks to learn how to eat, then she came home. I love this photo because it seems like she was praying for us, because she knew her time here was going to be very short.

My precious girl. She was so cranky this day, this was five days before she died.

She was crying, and I begged her to let mommy take just a few good photos of her. She grew quiet and still and let me do just that. It breaks my heart to know how cooperative she got when she had been fussy- again- it was like she just knew. Like she knew momma would need some photos to remember her by, so she sat still and pretty. What an angel.

We did a family photo at home in our living room with the camera timer. Boy am I glad we did, otherwise we wouldn't have a picture of all of us together like this. I had no idea how much this would mean while I was doing it. But that's how life works. Hindsight is 20/20.

Another photo of her funeral flowers, these are of the 45 arrangements I took apart, as you saw in our previous post, I photographed all of these separately for her memorial book.

Photography is something I love and I am glad I had something I could do to help ease the pain, keep me distracted, help me deal- and remember her all at the same time.

We dried these flowers and kept them... and as for the plants that they were mixed with, some of them are still alive after two years. My mom has been tending them in her office and at her home. It's nice to know that we made something good out of them instead of just keeping them until they all died. It makes me feel like there's something tangible that was for her.

Thanks for coming and looking at the pics, reading the stories, I can only hope that we help other moms. I want to reach out and hug every single person who's gone through this.

Guest Blogger: Raychel (Momma of 1 on Earth, 1 in Heaven)

Country Mom here... Allow me to introduce Raychel. She and I met in early '09 through the Tinyhandprints site. We had a lot of things in common, but the biggest common bond was that both of our sweet little girls live in Heaven. Raychel's precious Abigayl (May 23, 2008 - Sept. 30, 2008) has a memorial website- click HERE if you'd like to visit. I asked Raychel to write a post about her balloon release in honor of Abi's 1st birthday because she pulled off one of the most memorable tributes I have ever seen.

Here's Raychel on Abi's Birthday Celebration:

When it came time to honor the day of our daughter’s birth, I struggled with how to go about it. I had seen on Wendi’s memorial page for Ethan -that they had a birthday party, and I really liked the idea. I had also been talking with Carrie about ways they honored Lila, and she told me about their balloon release, and I liked that also. After discussing it with my husband, he told me he wasn’t really comfortable having a “party” and cake but that it would be nice to have the support of friends on such a hard day. We agreed that the balloon release would be the best choice for us.

On May 23, 2009, we had a small BBQ in our backyard and spent time with very close friends. These friends and their wonderful children helped us release 130 balloons for the 130 days that we were able to spend with our beautiful daughter. Since they knew we did not want a cake, they brought butterfly shaped cookies. It was so sweet because we think of Abigayl as our little butterfly.

After the balloon release, we went to Abigayl's spot and took the balloons and the "flower cake" that we had made. Since she wasn’t here to blow out candles, I had a “cake” made from pink carnations with a number one in white flowers. It turned out perfectly, and it helped me feel like I was able to provide her with something unique on her special day.
As painful as the day was, it turned out so beautiful. I’m so thankful for the connection I have been able to make with Carrie because the balloon release was amazing and such a sweet tribute. I’m also thankful that Wendi shared her story on her memorial website. If I had not seen the pictures from Ethan’s special day, I may have still been at a loss as to what to do.
Our plan is to make the BBQ and balloon release Abigayl’s birthday present every year. I think it is the perfect way to honor her and celebrate her beautiful life.

Rusty & Raychel with Abi's 130 Balloons.

Filling, stringing, and attaching messages is quite a task, but worth every second.

Look at them fly! The #1 Flower Cake at her spot.

Special things for Abi's first birthday.

Thanks, Raychel, for sharing this special day with all of us. You guys did an amazing job of remembering sweet Abigayl and celebrating her 1st Bday. She is blessed to have you as her parents. (((hugs to you both)))

*****************************************

Balloon Release Tips & Suggestions (We found some of these things out the hard way!)

*Be sure to have your release during good weather, it is a hard enough day- don't add bad weather to your list of frustrations.

*Be sure to stay far away from trees and power lines so balloons don't get tangled or wasted.

*Laminating your memory tags is a good way to preserve the info on the paper, but keep them small (postcard size) otherwise the balloons will struggle with the weight.

*Send a couple off at a time or they will tangle together.

*add an email address or a web address where people can contact you when they find them.

*Be patient, sometimes it can take months to get a response from a release.

*Renting a helium tank is best for any amount over 10, the tanks they sell at your local party store say they blow up 25-30, but usually don't go that far.

*Enjoy yourself and remember the beautiful reason you're doing it, don't put too much pressure on yourself to make it perfect.

If you have any further questions, feel free to contact us!

Why are we Here?

These two precious angels in these photos brought us together.

Now we're here to meet other moms like ourselves who have felt this kind of heartache. We are all in it together, no one should ever have to do it alone. Please feel free to leave your email address in our comment box if you'd like us to contact you. Remembering our Sweet Angels in Heaven.
We'd like to start an angels page, if you'd like to have your angel's photo added to our future page, please let us know. We'd love to include him/her in this memorial page.

Country Mom: Still the Momma.

I should warn you up front that this post is going to look like a rant, but it's really not. It's my heart asking to be heard..

I felt compelled to write this post after two awkward introductions this weekend. No offense to those who introduce me, but well, please remember- I have three kids. Not two. One may be in Heaven, but she's still my daughter. I'm still her momma. That.Will.Never.Change.

It always goes down the same basic way, "Hello So-and-so- this is Carrie, and this is little Jude and she also has a daughter named Maddie." Then the speaker turns to me and gives me an awkward look like- do I say it? Do I say you had another? Sure, yes! It doesn't hurt me when you say it, it hurts me when you don't. Am I rehashing this too much ? Perhaps, but - if others have walked a mile in my shoes they probably feel the same way. I birthed her, loved her, knew her better than any other human on Earth could have known her, and committed her forever to the depths of my heart as one of my very own children. There's no forgetting that, no pretending it didn't happen- and why would i want to?!

Lila Grace at 1 hour old. Staring into those sweet eyes, not knowing she wouldn't be here long.

I celebrate this blessing of a child, she wasn't here with us for very long (just 3 months), but she is part of our family, our hearts, and one day when we die, we've been told we'll be reunited with her. God gave me that promise, and I'm banking on it. So, in short, I just wanted to say: Hello, my name is Carrie, and I have three children.

Taking a Moment to Remember...

Precious Ethan Eddie. Sweet Lila Grace.
We love you all the way up to the Heavens and back.

Australian Angels.

Have you heard of the Dudley's?
They are an amazing couple from Australia who write the names of children on the beach in Mullaloo Point. They photograph the name and post it with the family's message at namesinthesand.blogspot.com. The pictures are taken at sunset on the South coast of Western Australia. What an amazing tribute! Wendi and I have both submitted our babies names and have been pleased to see their names added to the gallery.
Click HERE to view Lila's Tribute & Photo
Click HERE to view Ethan's Tribute & Photo
It amazes me that a couple all the way around the world take the time to do something so sweet in honor of our children. This is a time consuming task, but Carly and her family do it with love and dedication while never ceasing to stop and encourage us. They are truly Australian angels.

Take a minute and visit their site!

Family Photos

Taking new family photos after the loss of a child can be a very difficult time. The child's physical absence is often found to be additionally painful when a family is left with what they may feel like is an "incomplete" family photo. There are ways, however, that we can still represent our child's memory in a photo in order to make it the best photo it could possibly be given the circumstances. Read on to see how we have handled this situation in own families.

City Mom

Ethan was blessed with a very large family and a ton of super sweet little cousins who love him so very much. For my Mother's birthday the year after his passing, we wanted to take a few photos of his cousins together to provide to her and, of course, our little Ethan's presence was missed dearly at this time. We decided to include a photo of Ethan with his cousins as a way to represent him in the photo. Needless to say, my Mother loved the photo and the gesture made to include Ethan. It made what would have been a sad day for us as his parents, a bit more gratifying in knowing that his memory was honored. After all, we all love and miss him so much, so it just felt right to do so.
Also, Ethan had a stuffed little dog that he would often snuggle with that my husband and I named "Brewster". It was his favorite and is a tangible item that reminds us of our son greatly. We have taken photos of our son Quinn with little Brewster as well, and whenever we see those photos we smile of the sweet reminder of our son Ethan which has been included in the photo.


I remember the painful realization after Ethan's passing that there would never be a new photo of him again -- Ever. That realization hurt beyond measure. After time, however, I was able to appreciate these photos which included his memory as something "new" - although they could never compare to a real new photo of Ethan, we were still able to make the best out of the situation by honoring his sweet memory ...and that, in itself, is a wonderful feeling.


Country Mom

I have always been a bit obsessed with taking photos, but when it came time to do the new family photo with our newest little guy- I found it to be a stumbling block. I didn't want to move forward with a new picture and replace the family photo we had of us with Lila. Instead, I wanted to display one right beside it with some sort of tribute to her included in it.

I talked it over with my family, and we came up with the idea that Maddie could wear an angel pin to represent her sister. She was so proud to display the pin on her shirt and showed the pictures off to everyone saying, "Look! The angel pin is for Lila!" That was another one of the moments post-loss that made me realize how important it was to keep Lila's memory alive for her brothers and sisters. In a way, it shows the children how important they really are to us. I have heard people's stories of other families who think it's best to "put the past away" and "move on" and they put away everything that would remind them of the sadness of losing a child. But, as Wendi touched on in an earlier post, we have decided for us and our families that the best thing is to remember and rejoice. Our time on Earth is short, our life in Heaven- eternal! We may not have those beautiful babies with us here on Earth, but when we get to our next and final life they will be there! We know it will be a beautiful reunion, and until then we'll keep on trying to find the beauty in life by keeping their memories alive and making new ones.

Our first family photo after Lila's passing. Maddie is proudly displaying her angel pin in honor of her sister.

This photo brought tears to my eyes, it's our youngest, holding a photo of his dear big sister, Lila.

Do you have a special way that you've honored your baby? If you want to share, we'd love to hear from you! Feel free to leave your email or story in our comment box :)

Memorial Websites

There are many ways of remembering your little one, the choices are infinite. We both made memorial websites for our babies, and this is actually what brought us together! The sites opened the opportunity for us to meet other moms who have been in our shoes and make lasting friendships.

Here are some of our thoughts on them-

City Mom

About a month after Ethan died, I came across the http://www.last-memories.com website and created a free trial page for him. It was very easy to make and even had a few pre-made layouts that I could choose from. Little did I know, creating his memorial site would actually turn out to be a huge HUGE outlet for me. I enjoyed that I could share not only my memories, but all that Ethan was and meant to me as well.

His memorial page has been a wonderful outlet for my family as well. They could come and "visit" his page when they were missing him and they could also get a glimpse into how both my husband and I were feeling by what we wrote. On days when it was too much to go to Ethan's grave, we could still visit his memorial page and light a candle. It was a constant "place" for us, and was accessible no matter the time of day or night we needed it.

My husband and I paid to make Ethan's site available permanently because it proved to be so wonderful for us. Overtime it would also help me to connect with so many other parents just like me, including Country Mom. The families on there are beyond wonderful, and the support they offered truly helped at my greatest times of need.

Looking at his site now, I am amazed that he's had over 70,000 visitors. It does my heart good knowing that his life and story continues to touch lives each and every day.

If you create a site for your angel and have questions along the way, please do not hesitate to ask us. We would love to assist you or provide you support during the process. I remember that it took me months before I could get up the strength to write Ethan's "Life Story". Remember that everything can be done on your own time, and we are here for support if you need it.

Click this picture to visit Ethan's site.

Country Mom

After Lila was gone I felt like I needed to be in contact with another mom who understood. I searched the web for a support group that seemed like a good fit, but there weren't any that spoke to my heart. I stumbled upon http://www.last-memories.com/. I clicked several sample pages- one of which led me to Wendi's page for Ethan. I read through the site and noted that she was a lot like myself and had many of the same feelings I did.

I started my own page that day and shortly after, contacted Wendi through Ethan's site. The site was simple and easy to make, it didn't take much more than basic computer knowledge to assemble. The parts I couldn't figure out, I consulted Wendi and the help pages for- and they always had an answer. When you start out, the page is free, it does have an expiration on the free trial, but is less than $70 for a lifetime membership. At first I didn't think I'd keep the site for long, but I soon found that it was aiding me in my healing process. It was a place I could go and journal feelings, view her pictures, light her a "candle." It was also a spot where my family from out of state could visit, since paying their respects at her grave site wasn't possible for them.

I also added her page to the http://www.sids.org/ memorial page and started receiving emails from other people who had lost a baby. Before long her page had reached 50,000 visits which made my heart happy knowing that my baby was being remembered. I should also note the amazing group of people who use last memories- all the moms and grandmas are friends and light candles for each other's babies. It's truly remarkable how a loss can bring so many strangers together from different parts of the world and make them feel like family.

It also serves as a place where Lila's spirit and the love she brought can keep on growing and making beautiful things happen. I highly recommend the last memories free trial, it can help you decide if this is a good fit for your family. (There are other memorial websites as well, I have tried another, but found last memories to be the easiest to use)

Click this picture to visit Lila's site.

Please note, the reviews expressed here are merely our opinion and based upon our own personal experiences with the website. We have not been paid for this review, nor are we affiliated with the company responsible for providing these sites beyond using them for our own memorial sites. Feel free to contact us with questions in the comment box.

Remembering...

Our Sweet babies in Heaven

Ethan Edward Lila Grace We love you more than man can measure.

*************************************

i carry your heart with me (i carry it in my heart)

i am never without it (anywhere i go you go, my dear)

and whatever is done by only me (is your doing, my darling)

EE Cummings