Love Can Build a Bridge.

I was sitting here listening to Country Gold tonight and the song " Love Can Build a Bridge" came on. I had totally forgotten that I'd had this on a mix cd in my car back in 2008, and I played it repeatedly because it soothed our Lila when she was fussy. I remember singing this to her day after day on my way to and from doctor visits, work, etc. It's so strange to listen to the words of the song and look back knowing what I know now. It's also difficult to hear because I know that love is what is bridging us now across this great distance between Heaven and Earth. I can't wait to smile at her, face to face and tell her how glad I am to see her when I get there too one day.

Four Years.

It has been four years since our little one went to Heaven. We slept so peacefully that night that I felt the heaviest burden of guilt when we awoke to the chaos that had suddenly become our lives... But it dawned on me during the early stages of grief... that it is absolutely true that GOD is in control of everything. We only fool ourselves into thinking we own these moments and control our destiny and that's why grief knocks people down so hard! Until we surrender to God and accept that there is a gorgeous, sparkling eternity of hope on the other side- we live in darkness. We stand united as a family now, only because we chose to break through that darkness and look to the Lord to help us. He has healed us, put our hearts back together, allowed us to help others hurting from the same thing, blessed us in so many ways we can barely recount them all without taking the span of an entire week.

If you have lost a child, my heart breaks for you, but I am filled with much hope that the Lord will pick you up and carry you through this and show you that their life hasn't really ended- they are with Him! And your life hasn't ended either- this is only a new chapter that started in a way you never would have wanted, but there is so much on the other side once you climb over this mountain. You can do this with His help. Trust in Him.

Giant hugs to you. You are in my heart and in my prayers.

Christmas

Last night I was thinking about our one Christmas with our two girls. It was joyful, noisy and busy in our house. We had no idea that within a handful of weeks our littlest would be spending her time with Jesus. That following year, '08, Christmas was quiet and sad. We did our best to make it Merry for our 3 year old, but we all knew there was someone missing. It was the oddest feeling in the world to watch that sweet little girl sit there by herself opening gifts with no sibling there to share it with.

I am extremely thankful for our two year old little boy. He came into our lives and brightened everything back up. When he is all grown up, I intend to look him in the eye and explain all of this.. and to tell him that God patched our hearts up with love for our little baby boy.

I am incredibly thankful for the two children I have here on Earth, and thankful, but longing- for the one I have in Heaven.

If you are going through the loss of a child during this season, I am soooo very sorry. I send you the biggest hug this post can hold. Please know that you are not alone. There are many of us out here, we know that deep pain and the hollow feeling in your chest. I will continue praying each night for all of you. Hold tight to the knowledge that you Can see them again!

4

Today would have been our Lila's fourth birthday.

It's hard to wrap my mind around that, I can't believe it's been that long. I find myself wondering what she would have looked like, and how close she would have been to her big sister.

Our lives would have been drastically different, that -I know for sure.

I'm thankful that God gave us the strength to keep going after her passing, to hold tighter to one another and to be able to manage the pain. We couldn't have done that without Him.

The Grief/Joy Exchange.

This past week I had a bad day.
A day full of sadness and tears, remembering the pain we went through. It was this week that I realized how my life is playing out (my life since loss). It started out with a load of grief so heavy I could barely carry it (I tried to let the Lord carry it for me, but in the beginning that was a hard burden to drop at the foot of the cross.) As the past four years have passed my good days have multiplied and the bad days have lessened. I can see where, at a year in, my days were an equal mix. As we've come through these last four years- I have had less and less of those bad days. I am thankful the Lord has grown and shaped my heart, and moulded me into a stronger person.

This week I had the opportunity to share our Lila's story with yet another person suffering from loss and hurt. We randomly had a woman stop on the road in front of our home (we live in the middle of nowhere) She was traveling (on foot from far away) and she was "thinking of giving up her religion." She said she had experienced large amounts of grief in her life and she was angry. Lila's short life has brought us many opportunities to share the truth about Heaven with people we've only just met. We were able to share with her the truth that religion isn't what gets you to Heaven- it's your honest relationship with the Lord.

I am so thankful for our little girl.
I consider all of this part of the grief/joy exchange.

Maddie and I started a small tradition in memory of Lila.. it's quite simple really- we pour glitter on her grave stone. It sparkles in the sun and is absolutely gorgeous. It reminds us of the sparkle she added to our lives while she was here.

From A Lullaby to Goodbye

It's finally here.. A book written by parents and grandparents who know exactly what it's like to lose a precious child. I am thankful I could share Lila's story here within these pages- and I can only hope that it will comfort others as they find themselves in the same shoes that we have worn. Help us bring this book to print sooner by supporting us with a purchase of the ebook. Visit www.lullabytogoodbye.com for more info.

Feb 1

This past Tuesday marked three years since our precious Lila Grace went to Heaven.

When I heard the weather forecast was a blizzard and massive amounts of accumulation , it took me back to that night- three years ago -when it had been exactly the same. So much snow it took the ambulance 40 minutes to get to us. Somehow though, despite the painful reminder, we made it through the anniversary without a single tear. Our hearts are healing, and a lot of that has to do with our other children. I am thankful that God gave us the peace and trust to try again. I can't imagine what our life would have been like if we hadn't gone on to have our little Jude. Maddie and Jude are our precious little sweethearts.

It's been a hard week as all of us have been so sick, and to see the kids with high temps and sinus infections and to not be able to care for them myself has been difficult. I'm thankful my husband has been able to take some time off work and nurse us back to health.

Thank you for continuing to pray for our family and for supporting us. We love you.

Precious in His Sight.

Carrie here.

I honestly can't remember if I've posted this story before, but I wanted to be sure it was shared. It's an experience I had with an answered prayer. One that was so obvious it couldn't be denied.

When we were preparing for Lila's funeral, we had trouble deciding what to put on her stone. I was sitting in the car outside the cemetery caretaker's home (Josh was inside discussing details.) I was flipping through the bible looking for four words we could put on her stone. Engraving costs were by the word and four more was about all we could afford at the bottom.

I grew upset because I wanted God to allow me to "just turn to a page". It was such a difficult trial in my life, and I just wanted him to make something - anything- easy. I had little patience. It was then that I broke down in tears and prayed for help. I told him I'd wait for his answer. That was on a Monday afternoon. Later that night our bible study group came to our home to be with us and to pray. It was amazing that they'd even made it considering the conditions outside. The fog was thick, not the usual kind of fog, but so thick you could scarcely make out your own hand in front of your face. Along with their visit- they gave us another gift- a tangible one- a blanket from the church. I opened it up, it was a depiction of Jesus with a child, across the bottom it read: Precious in His Sight.

From that moment on, I did not doubt that God heard my prayers. It strengthened my prayer life in a way that I could not have accomplished on my own. God is great. When I get down and miss my daughter, I remind myself that she is precious and she's not only in His sight, She's in His arms!

And that was what we had engraved on her stone.

I send my love to all you other mommas who have children in Heaven. Keep pushing forward and rely on the Lord. He will light your path- no matter how dark. And He will hear your prayers, no matter how small.

A Merry Christmas

Hey there, long time no blog, I know.. In case you forgot who I am, allow me to reintroduce myself, I am Lila's Momma (Carrie). Sometimes this blog is a struggle for me. Blogging on it can bring me back to the past, a place I wish not to dwell, but at the same time I know there are other Mommas out there struggling at this very moment with wounds that are so much like my own that I want to be there for them, even if it does feel painful to come here sometimes. I remember surfing the Internet after her passing, searching for another human who had some inkling of what I was going through, someone to connect with. And that is what keeps me coming back here- even if it's not very often.

We had a Merry Christmas at our house, (despite the passing around of the stomach flu). One of the best little moments was seeing Jude (our little 18 monther) walk into the living room with Lila's blanket (the one we'd given her on her first and only Christmas with us) He plopped down on the floor and began rubbing his nose with her blankey (this is a habit he has that he comforts himself with) and just the fact that it was her blanket was enough to warm up my heart and make me feel closer to her. She is still with us in our hearts even though she's in the arms of Jesus.

I'd like to share...

this link... Click Here

This story is one that we found in our foster parenting education binder. I thought it was really touching, and as prospective foster parents - it helps us to understand how kids might feel. I know that for me, personally- it makes me fear their "baggage" less and grow my desire to want to help them with that "suitcase."

-Country Mom, Carrie

Carrie: How Would It Be with Three?

I babysat for a friend of ours today. Her little one is just around six months younger than our sweet Lila Grace. I've babysat for her before- but today it really hit me as she followed me around the house- this is that age range Lila would be in now. This is what it would be like if I had all three of my babies here with me on Earth. It was interesting to sit in another room and listen to her chat in toddler talk to my five year old. It was at that moment that I really thought about how hard all of this has been on Maddie. Jude is the youngest, he came after the loss- he'll never know exactly what this family has been through- all he'll know is that he is loved even further (beyond measure) because of our exposure to SIDS. As for Maddie- she held her sister in her arms, sang her lullabies, helped wrap her Christmas gifts, kissed her on her chubby cheeks- all of these memories she still has- and you add all that up, and I can only imagine the longing she has in her little heart. It makes me wish I was brave enough to give her another brother or sister in hopes that it would bring forth another baby girl. But we all know- it wouldn't be Lila- it wouldn't be the same. I suppose in some ways our steps toward foster parenting will be a huge blessing to our family because we have all this love to give, and we feel like somebody is missing. At the same time I wonder if the constant revolving door of the foster system will make it hard on my own kids because they are constantly saying hello and goodbye to other children. At this point (with just one week until our first class) I feel the strength and courage to push forward and find out. I just pray that it will be that blessing, and that my children will learn to understand. Only the Lord knows where this and all our roads lead. I just need to put my trust and faith in him and keep going. It's really hard sometimes, isn't it?! I guess we're all 'works in progress.'

Jude (left) Maddie (right) and our little guest in the middle. :)

Dear God, please hold our little family close to you and help us to fully trust in you and not question your will.

Where I'm at.

It has been nearly 2 and a half years since Lila went to Heaven. For all those moms out there going through the loss of a child right now, I will tell you- I've found joy again- and life did level out- but there are days I have to drop the strong routine and just let myself hurt. I start to notice that I feel like my heart is deflating and that's when I know.. It's time to drag out the baby journal, the home videos, the mementos- it's time to cry. I had one of those days this week. I was headed to the dentist, alone in the car (the kiddos were with my mom) and the song by the band Perry came on- have you heard it? It's called "If I die young". It hit me like a ton of bricks, and I went into the dentist office with tears in my eyes and a choked feeling in my throat. The lyrics didn't entirely fit- but the words were just familiar enough to my pain to cause a reaction.

(If I die young, bury me in satin- lay me down on a bed of roses- sink me in the river at dawn- send me away with the words of a love song- Lord make me a rainbow, I'll shine down on my mother- she'll know I'm safe with you when she stands under my colors - and life ain't always what you think it ought to be, no, ain't even grey, but she buries her baby. The sharp knife of a short life, well, I've had just enough time- Go with peace and love- gather up your tears and keep em in your pocket- save them for a time when you're really gonna need them.)


I went home- finished my day as usual, then after everyone was in bed I brought out the videos. I watched Lila smile and coo at me on camera, and I let myself feel the pain I put away the other 300 and some days of the year. And it was good for my heart. Then I begged God on my knees in prayer to take this heavy burden of pain- to ease the sorrow of my aching momma heart.

And you know what? Today was a better day.

Everything's gonna be okay.

if you haven't met our baby Lila yet, you can visit her memorial page over HERE.

He's ONE!

I can't begin to explain the relief, emotion and all the other things that come along with this day.

I'm thinking back over every nap and every bedtime where I anxiously laid him down while saying a prayer to God asking for him to be there when I came back. My heart still aches for our precious Lila Grace, but having Jude here eased so much of that pain and taught us so many lessons about what this life is really for. I am so thankful and you know what, I honestly don't feel "broken" anymore. My loss no longer controls my life. I feel blessed to have held that baby girl in my arms, even if that time was only 86 days long.. I'm still a mother of three precious kids regardless of their location, and I feel stronger than ever.

Thank you, God!

Our Jude is ONE!

News!

Country Mom here.

My hubby and I are finally sharing our big news! We're going to become foster parents!

We are signed up to take our classes in August and after a home study and some preparations, we're hoping to have our first foster child in our home in early 2011- if not sooner!

This is something we have both felt that the Lord has put on our hearts, and we're anxious to share so much love with a new little person. We're planning to take children from 10months to 3 years old, but probably just one child at a time. We don't want to stretch ourselves too thin, we need to still be able to provide everything to our own children as well.

I know there will be times when watching them go will be hard, but I honestly don't think it could break my heart nearly as much as losing our precious Lila Grace.

Please say a prayer for us, I have a feeling this could be a sometimes scary, but mostly WONDERFUL experience!! :)

5 !!!!

I can't believe I had my first baby 5 years ago.

I'm not sure how this snuck up on me so fast, or how it's time for kindergarten already. When you have your first baby, people tell you not to blink, or you'll miss something. They are right, it passes quickly. Her birthday is this May, and she is so excited to be a 5 year old. Despite the trial of losing a sister, Maddie is doing well, she's a social butterfly when she wants to be and she is always ready for a new adventure. I think she will continue to amaze us as she grows.

Each year I take pictures of her just before her bday so we can look back and see the changes. Here are this year's pics:

Love This: Spring!!

I'm so in love with this weather and the plants. This is my first year where I haven't been either pregnant or taking care of a newborn, so I can finally tend my garden well this year and give it serious attention. I'm not babysitting this summer and Maddie and Jude are both old enough to play in the yard so it's gonna be grrrrrrrrreat! I just know it ;) I'm picturing organic veggie soups, leafy green salads, etc... Wish me luck, I may need it- it's been a long time. (Last year I was at the end of my third trimester with Jude while gardening and let's just say the weeds took over, the broccoli was taller than my extremely tall four year old, and the lettuce could have been mistaken for a tree. lol) Here are a few pics I took this past week.

Peach tree blooms

Cherry Tree BloomsApple Tree BloomsOur "squail" that's what maddie called them back when she first learned to talk.

On a somewhat related note, will SOMEBODY PLEASE inform my hubs that it is PERFECTLY ACCEPTABLE to wear sloggers when gardening!?! He laughs hysterically when he sees me tromping around the yard in my sloggers. I can't be the only one who sports these, right?! (and P.S. I don't wear them to the grocery store, they're for home only).

Country Mom: Sunny Day

I am thanking God for this sunshine and hot weather. I hear a lot of people complaining that spring never came and that it hopped right over to summer (it's been about 84ish) but I am QUITE ALRIGHT WITH THAT! LOL. I love the hot days and the cool breeze. There is almost always a breeze here, we live in a windfarm. Google that if you don't know what that is- they are pretty awesome! This past week he learned to clap and show us how "BIG" he is! :)
BIG BOY!

He FINALLY said Momma! I was on the phone with a friend when he said it for the first time, wish I'd gotten it on video, but hey at least he finally said it! (No dada yet either)

Sissy blowing raspberries on his face makes him giggle.

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Country Mom: I did it without tears!!!

It sure was a close one, but I registered Maddie for kindergarten today without tearing up. I had to talk myself down quite a few times. I never thought I'd say that since she's my strong willed, bosses her momma, thinks she's right and I'm wrong- Child. lol... but I'm going to miss her!!! She won't actually start until August... but is that enough time for me to wrap my head around it? Hope so. She's not yet five so I didn't know if she'd pass all the little tests they gave her, but she did with flying colors. She can tie her shoes, knows all her shapes/colors, can identify about 75% of letters capital and lowercase, and can write words and spell her name out loud. It was one of those moments that made me feel like I did a good job as momma. We have been doing preschool work at home, but she didn't ever attend preschool- so I'm sure glad I purchased all those curriculum books and went over them with her each week.

I am a proud momma peacock today. lol. Can't believe my first baby is growing up so fast!
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Our Big 10 Month-ers!

Look how big our boys are getting! They have certainly grown our broken hearts and brought us joy... We are so thankful for these little guys! Before long we'll be planning birthday parties. Planning birthdays is a bittersweet moment in time. We are gloriously happy to be planning 1st birthday parties for our little men, but at the same time- it's a reminder that Ethan and Lila spent their first b-days in Heaven. It will continue to be this way every year until we hold those precious little people in our arms again someday. I have a smile on my face just thinking about hugging Lila so tight and looking over to see Wendi holding Ethan. :)))

City Babe: Quinn

Country Babe: Jude

Showing off his clapping skills for sissy. Not much of a baby anymore- starting to look like a toddler.

This swing ride looks uncomfortable, but he thought it was great."Oh, Mom, Did you put these away? Cuz I'm not done with them yet."

"I'll just drag them all out again- one by one."

Spring Cleaning: Day Two.

You'd be proud of me, I just know it. On spring cleaning day two (remember i decided to just tackle one room a day- and really tackle it!) I tore Maddie's room completely down, swept everything, cleaned windows, organized everything (she gives the term "pack rat" new meaning.)... Then I put everything back together but in all new spots. Whew, I'm tired. I took a break today and went to the grocery store (wait- is that a break if you have to take children with you?) Anyway, here's the finished product- room completely together and done for the year. I will tear it apart and clean it thoroughly again next spring. Until then, keep your fingers crossed and hope her "pack-rat" tendencies vanish. (PS She's going for kindergarten registration next week!! I can't BELIEVE my child is going to school!)Yeah, it's pretty girly in there. And kinda shabby chic (my husband calls my style crappy-chick. lol. I think he's kidding. But who knows. haha.)