Christmas Gift

 Every year, as hard as it can be, we head out to Abigayl's spot to decorate for Christmas. The bright spot in the painful event was having the "help" of Rowynn this year.

 Every year it hits that I have to come to a cemetery to decorate for my daughter. I am 28 years old and this is the third Christmas we have spent decorating her spot. Though the pain doesn't hit as often as it used to, every year when we go and decorate it is so painful. I never want that pain to stop me though. I find it so important to let her have her own Christmas decorations. Though it hurts, it still brings me joy that there is something small I can still do for her on the earth even though she can't be here with us.

One of my favorite things about taking Rowynn to visit Abigayl is the moments when he gets down and touches her plaque. I just wonder if he recognizes her face from all of the pictures we have around the house. My hope is that even though he never got to meet his big sister, he will always hold a special place in his heart for her. That he will always feel a connection. I just hope I can help him feel that bond.

On a much lighter note, Rusty and I are EXPECTING!! Yes, you read correctly. Even though we have a 10 month old we are gearing up for a new addition come July 5, 2011. As of right now I am 10 weeks. I'm ready for the first trimester exhaustion to subside so I can have the energy my son demands! We are really praying for a girl this time around. I know God will do what is best for us so I'm hoping that what is best is a little girl!

Memorial Idea

I wanted to share a photo of something that Wendi and I both own. We have these precious baby statues (sleeping in angel wings) as a reminder of our sweet Ethan and Lila. You can purchase them at on ebay and many other online shops. We displayed ours in our yard next to a tree that was planted in her memory. :)
Do you have something special that you display in honor of your baby? If you'd like to share, please do! Feel free to leave your story in the comment box.

Who You'd Be Today..

Sunny days seem to hurt the most
I wear the pain like a heavy coat
I feel you everywhere I go
I see your smile, I see your face
I hear you laughing in the rain
I still can't believe you're gone
*
It ain't fair you died too young
like a story that had just begun
but death tore the pages all away
God knows how I miss you
All the hell that I've been through
Just knowing no one could take your place
Sometimes I wonder who you'd be today...

Would you see the world, would you chase your dreams
settle down with a family
I wonder what would you name your babies
Some days the sky's so blue
I feel like I can talk to you
I know it might sound crazy It ain't fair you died too young

Like a story that had just begun

But death tore the pages all away

God knows how I miss you

all the hell that I've been through

Just knowing no one could take your place

sometimes I wonder who you'd be today

*

Today, Today, Today

Today, Today, Today

*

Sunny days seem to hurt the most

I wear the pain like a heavy coat

The only thing that gives me hope

is I know I'll see you again someday

*

Someday, Someday.

*

written by Bill Luther & Aimee Mayo

sung by Kenny Chesney.

Country Mom: Some Lila Related Photos..

I'm glad I was always such an avid photo taker. Otherwise I might not have the cd full of Lila photos that I have now. We are lucky enough to have over 100 photos of our precious girl.
If you read my last post (entitled- the worst day of my life) then you'll understand the background behind some of these photos I'm sharing with you today.

Lila's Room, she never got to use it, she was still in our room. I left it this way for a long time, actually- until I was ready to get pregnant again.The photo of her in her room would catch rainbows from the mirrored closet. I now think of rainbows as a reminder that she's up there waiting.
This is the morning of her funeral. One of the people in the funeral procession took this picture. The massive snow we'd had the morning of her death had all melted and flooded many of the roads... the fog was thick until midday- but it sure fit the mood we were all in. I was relieved it wasn't sunny on the day we had to bury our sweetheart.

At her funeral service, this is her casket. We kept it closed because we didn't think other people needed to see how horrible it is to look upon an infant that is gone... Those are her actual little shoes there on the table. I couldn't bear to put them on her, she hated shoes and hats, so I couldn't have the lady dress her with either. I knew she'd want to be without them. Deciding what to put in her casket was a hard thing to do, especially deciding what would be on her body forever. I chose her dedication dress that she'd worn just the Sunday before she passed away.

This is the actual snowy morning she passed. This is after we came home.

I knew that someday Maddie would ask me a lot of questions about that day, and I wanted to have something to show her, to comfort her. The day was so still, so quiet- most of the state couldn't get out of their houses that day, so there weren't cars on the road, everything was still.

This is one of the photos the nurses in the NICU took when Lila stayed there after her birth.

She had cleft palate (not cleft lip though) and didn't want to take a bottle. She stayed 2 weeks to learn how to eat, then she came home. I love this photo because it seems like she was praying for us, because she knew her time here was going to be very short.

My precious girl. She was so cranky this day, this was five days before she died.

She was crying, and I begged her to let mommy take just a few good photos of her. She grew quiet and still and let me do just that. It breaks my heart to know how cooperative she got when she had been fussy- again- it was like she just knew. Like she knew momma would need some photos to remember her by, so she sat still and pretty. What an angel.

We did a family photo at home in our living room with the camera timer. Boy am I glad we did, otherwise we wouldn't have a picture of all of us together like this. I had no idea how much this would mean while I was doing it. But that's how life works. Hindsight is 20/20.

Another photo of her funeral flowers, these are of the 45 arrangements I took apart, as you saw in our previous post, I photographed all of these separately for her memorial book.

Photography is something I love and I am glad I had something I could do to help ease the pain, keep me distracted, help me deal- and remember her all at the same time.

We dried these flowers and kept them... and as for the plants that they were mixed with, some of them are still alive after two years. My mom has been tending them in her office and at her home. It's nice to know that we made something good out of them instead of just keeping them until they all died. It makes me feel like there's something tangible that was for her.

Thanks for coming and looking at the pics, reading the stories, I can only hope that we help other moms. I want to reach out and hug every single person who's gone through this.

Express Yourself

After losing a little one, it takes time to start enjoying the little things in life again. Unfortunately there is no set time frame, nor is there a secret we can share to make it happen any sooner. Oftentimes the grief grabs hold of you so tightly that the thought of doing something for yourself for enjoyment is no longer desirable, if not impossible all together. Things you used to do that brought you joy might not bring you that same joy any more. Please don't be discouraged. It will take time, and sometimes finding ways to express yourself through creative mediums can help the heart on its journey of healing.

Country Mom:
I used to be big on doing at least one project each week... After Lila died- I could not force myself to even think about it... until about two weeks in when I'd rec'd my 200th sympathy card. I was so angry-staring at that pile- wishing there wasn't a reason for people to send me those cards. That's when I realized I could do something productive with that pile of cards. I started cutting them up, scrapbooking them, and branching off into other projects.

I also had over 45 flower arrangements from her funeral, that drove me crazy. Our kitchen was a JUNGLE.. Picture that, 45 massive arrangements. I set to work and tore them all apart- nicely I mean, sorted all the flowers by type and photographed them. My husband, at first, wondered why i was "ruining" the arrangements- but really it turned out so much nicer for her memory albums- see what i mean here:

After grouping and photographing them, I hung them upside down to dry- then gave little dried arrangements to those who were close to her. It was one more way to remember my sweet girl.

I had these little books made up at walmart.com and was very pleased with them, I started with all the pictures from her birth up through her memorial service. They are all encompassing.

The sympathy cards I scrapbooked after Lila's passing.

I've always been a huge fan of making my own versions of shabby-chic- so i made this shadowbox for our family from an old printing press box. I have slowly been adding little things that symbolize our family. The most recent edition was a little Lila Angel made by Wendi. This is a project that is moving slowly- mostly because I'm trying to put things that mean something to us, and they don't all just appear at once- it takes years to save things. For now it's home is one my dresser, eventually I hope to have it in the livingroom when it's complete. I eventually got back to my love of photography and let Lila and her nicknames inspire me. Lila was our Lila Bird so I found ways to express my longing for her through my work.
City Mom:

I enjoyed tiny craft projects and painting little things before Ethan died. After his passing, I just couldn't find the desire to do anything of the sort. Only months later did I feel inspired to do something creative again, and Ethan was that inspiration. I started by painting little things that made me think of him, and with time was able to branch out to things that were more for my own enjoyment. Believe me, I am no professional by any means, but it felt good to get back in touch with my creative side again... a part of me that I missed greatly.

I painted this to put out at his spot in the spring.

What are some things you've done to help express yourself or to find some enjoyment again? Do you paint, or perhaps you scrapbook? Feel free to share here!

Guest Blogger: Raychel (Momma of 1 on Earth, 1 in Heaven)

Country Mom here... Allow me to introduce Raychel. She and I met in early '09 through the Tinyhandprints site. We had a lot of things in common, but the biggest common bond was that both of our sweet little girls live in Heaven. Raychel's precious Abigayl (May 23, 2008 - Sept. 30, 2008) has a memorial website- click HERE if you'd like to visit. I asked Raychel to write a post about her balloon release in honor of Abi's 1st birthday because she pulled off one of the most memorable tributes I have ever seen.

Here's Raychel on Abi's Birthday Celebration:

When it came time to honor the day of our daughter’s birth, I struggled with how to go about it. I had seen on Wendi’s memorial page for Ethan -that they had a birthday party, and I really liked the idea. I had also been talking with Carrie about ways they honored Lila, and she told me about their balloon release, and I liked that also. After discussing it with my husband, he told me he wasn’t really comfortable having a “party” and cake but that it would be nice to have the support of friends on such a hard day. We agreed that the balloon release would be the best choice for us.

On May 23, 2009, we had a small BBQ in our backyard and spent time with very close friends. These friends and their wonderful children helped us release 130 balloons for the 130 days that we were able to spend with our beautiful daughter. Since they knew we did not want a cake, they brought butterfly shaped cookies. It was so sweet because we think of Abigayl as our little butterfly.

After the balloon release, we went to Abigayl's spot and took the balloons and the "flower cake" that we had made. Since she wasn’t here to blow out candles, I had a “cake” made from pink carnations with a number one in white flowers. It turned out perfectly, and it helped me feel like I was able to provide her with something unique on her special day.
As painful as the day was, it turned out so beautiful. I’m so thankful for the connection I have been able to make with Carrie because the balloon release was amazing and such a sweet tribute. I’m also thankful that Wendi shared her story on her memorial website. If I had not seen the pictures from Ethan’s special day, I may have still been at a loss as to what to do.
Our plan is to make the BBQ and balloon release Abigayl’s birthday present every year. I think it is the perfect way to honor her and celebrate her beautiful life.

Rusty & Raychel with Abi's 130 Balloons.

Filling, stringing, and attaching messages is quite a task, but worth every second.

Look at them fly! The #1 Flower Cake at her spot.

Special things for Abi's first birthday.

Thanks, Raychel, for sharing this special day with all of us. You guys did an amazing job of remembering sweet Abigayl and celebrating her 1st Bday. She is blessed to have you as her parents. (((hugs to you both)))

*****************************************

Balloon Release Tips & Suggestions (We found some of these things out the hard way!)

*Be sure to have your release during good weather, it is a hard enough day- don't add bad weather to your list of frustrations.

*Be sure to stay far away from trees and power lines so balloons don't get tangled or wasted.

*Laminating your memory tags is a good way to preserve the info on the paper, but keep them small (postcard size) otherwise the balloons will struggle with the weight.

*Send a couple off at a time or they will tangle together.

*add an email address or a web address where people can contact you when they find them.

*Be patient, sometimes it can take months to get a response from a release.

*Renting a helium tank is best for any amount over 10, the tanks they sell at your local party store say they blow up 25-30, but usually don't go that far.

*Enjoy yourself and remember the beautiful reason you're doing it, don't put too much pressure on yourself to make it perfect.

If you have any further questions, feel free to contact us!

Australian Angels.

Have you heard of the Dudley's?
They are an amazing couple from Australia who write the names of children on the beach in Mullaloo Point. They photograph the name and post it with the family's message at namesinthesand.blogspot.com. The pictures are taken at sunset on the South coast of Western Australia. What an amazing tribute! Wendi and I have both submitted our babies names and have been pleased to see their names added to the gallery.
Click HERE to view Lila's Tribute & Photo
Click HERE to view Ethan's Tribute & Photo
It amazes me that a couple all the way around the world take the time to do something so sweet in honor of our children. This is a time consuming task, but Carly and her family do it with love and dedication while never ceasing to stop and encourage us. They are truly Australian angels.

Take a minute and visit their site!

Memorial Websites

There are many ways of remembering your little one, the choices are infinite. We both made memorial websites for our babies, and this is actually what brought us together! The sites opened the opportunity for us to meet other moms who have been in our shoes and make lasting friendships.

Here are some of our thoughts on them-

City Mom

About a month after Ethan died, I came across the http://www.last-memories.com website and created a free trial page for him. It was very easy to make and even had a few pre-made layouts that I could choose from. Little did I know, creating his memorial site would actually turn out to be a huge HUGE outlet for me. I enjoyed that I could share not only my memories, but all that Ethan was and meant to me as well.

His memorial page has been a wonderful outlet for my family as well. They could come and "visit" his page when they were missing him and they could also get a glimpse into how both my husband and I were feeling by what we wrote. On days when it was too much to go to Ethan's grave, we could still visit his memorial page and light a candle. It was a constant "place" for us, and was accessible no matter the time of day or night we needed it.

My husband and I paid to make Ethan's site available permanently because it proved to be so wonderful for us. Overtime it would also help me to connect with so many other parents just like me, including Country Mom. The families on there are beyond wonderful, and the support they offered truly helped at my greatest times of need.

Looking at his site now, I am amazed that he's had over 70,000 visitors. It does my heart good knowing that his life and story continues to touch lives each and every day.

If you create a site for your angel and have questions along the way, please do not hesitate to ask us. We would love to assist you or provide you support during the process. I remember that it took me months before I could get up the strength to write Ethan's "Life Story". Remember that everything can be done on your own time, and we are here for support if you need it.

Click this picture to visit Ethan's site.

Country Mom

After Lila was gone I felt like I needed to be in contact with another mom who understood. I searched the web for a support group that seemed like a good fit, but there weren't any that spoke to my heart. I stumbled upon http://www.last-memories.com/. I clicked several sample pages- one of which led me to Wendi's page for Ethan. I read through the site and noted that she was a lot like myself and had many of the same feelings I did.

I started my own page that day and shortly after, contacted Wendi through Ethan's site. The site was simple and easy to make, it didn't take much more than basic computer knowledge to assemble. The parts I couldn't figure out, I consulted Wendi and the help pages for- and they always had an answer. When you start out, the page is free, it does have an expiration on the free trial, but is less than $70 for a lifetime membership. At first I didn't think I'd keep the site for long, but I soon found that it was aiding me in my healing process. It was a place I could go and journal feelings, view her pictures, light her a "candle." It was also a spot where my family from out of state could visit, since paying their respects at her grave site wasn't possible for them.

I also added her page to the http://www.sids.org/ memorial page and started receiving emails from other people who had lost a baby. Before long her page had reached 50,000 visits which made my heart happy knowing that my baby was being remembered. I should also note the amazing group of people who use last memories- all the moms and grandmas are friends and light candles for each other's babies. It's truly remarkable how a loss can bring so many strangers together from different parts of the world and make them feel like family.

It also serves as a place where Lila's spirit and the love she brought can keep on growing and making beautiful things happen. I highly recommend the last memories free trial, it can help you decide if this is a good fit for your family. (There are other memorial websites as well, I have tried another, but found last memories to be the easiest to use)

Click this picture to visit Lila's site.

Please note, the reviews expressed here are merely our opinion and based upon our own personal experiences with the website. We have not been paid for this review, nor are we affiliated with the company responsible for providing these sites beyond using them for our own memorial sites. Feel free to contact us with questions in the comment box.