July 15, 2010

Where I'm at.

It has been nearly 2 and a half years since Lila went to Heaven. For all those moms out there going through the loss of a child right now, I will tell you- I've found joy again- and life did level out- but there are days I have to drop the strong routine and just let myself hurt. I start to notice that I feel like my heart is deflating and that's when I know.. It's time to drag out the baby journal, the home videos, the mementos- it's time to cry. I had one of those days this week. I was headed to the dentist, alone in the car (the kiddos were with my mom) and the song by the band Perry came on- have you heard it? It's called "If I die young". It hit me like a ton of bricks, and I went into the dentist office with tears in my eyes and a choked feeling in my throat. The lyrics didn't entirely fit- but the words were just familiar enough to my pain to cause a reaction.

(If I die young, bury me in satin- lay me down on a bed of roses- sink me in the river at dawn- send me away with the words of a love song- Lord make me a rainbow, I'll shine down on my mother- she'll know I'm safe with you when she stands under my colors - and life ain't always what you think it ought to be, no, ain't even grey, but she buries her baby. The sharp knife of a short life, well, I've had just enough time- Go with peace and love- gather up your tears and keep em in your pocket- save them for a time when you're really gonna need them.)

I went home- finished my day as usual, then after everyone was in bed I brought out the videos. I watched Lila smile and coo at me on camera, and I let myself feel the pain I put away the other 300 and some days of the year. And it was good for my heart. Then I begged God on my knees in prayer to take this heavy burden of pain- to ease the sorrow of my aching momma heart.

And you know what? Today was a better day.
Everything's gonna be okay.

if you haven't met our baby Lila yet, you can visit her memorial page over HERE.

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