Feb 1

This past Tuesday marked three years since our precious Lila Grace went to Heaven.

When I heard the weather forecast was a blizzard and massive amounts of accumulation , it took me back to that night- three years ago -when it had been exactly the same. So much snow it took the ambulance 40 minutes to get to us. Somehow though, despite the painful reminder, we made it through the anniversary without a single tear. Our hearts are healing, and a lot of that has to do with our other children. I am thankful that God gave us the peace and trust to try again. I can't imagine what our life would have been like if we hadn't gone on to have our little Jude. Maddie and Jude are our precious little sweethearts.

It's been a hard week as all of us have been so sick, and to see the kids with high temps and sinus infections and to not be able to care for them myself has been difficult. I'm thankful my husband has been able to take some time off work and nurse us back to health.

Thank you for continuing to pray for our family and for supporting us. We love you.

Precious in His Sight.

Carrie here.

I honestly can't remember if I've posted this story before, but I wanted to be sure it was shared. It's an experience I had with an answered prayer. One that was so obvious it couldn't be denied.

When we were preparing for Lila's funeral, we had trouble deciding what to put on her stone. I was sitting in the car outside the cemetery caretaker's home (Josh was inside discussing details.) I was flipping through the bible looking for four words we could put on her stone. Engraving costs were by the word and four more was about all we could afford at the bottom.

I grew upset because I wanted God to allow me to "just turn to a page". It was such a difficult trial in my life, and I just wanted him to make something - anything- easy. I had little patience. It was then that I broke down in tears and prayed for help. I told him I'd wait for his answer. That was on a Monday afternoon. Later that night our bible study group came to our home to be with us and to pray. It was amazing that they'd even made it considering the conditions outside. The fog was thick, not the usual kind of fog, but so thick you could scarcely make out your own hand in front of your face. Along with their visit- they gave us another gift- a tangible one- a blanket from the church. I opened it up, it was a depiction of Jesus with a child, across the bottom it read: Precious in His Sight.

From that moment on, I did not doubt that God heard my prayers. It strengthened my prayer life in a way that I could not have accomplished on my own. God is great. When I get down and miss my daughter, I remind myself that she is precious and she's not only in His sight, She's in His arms!

And that was what we had engraved on her stone.

I send my love to all you other mommas who have children in Heaven. Keep pushing forward and rely on the Lord. He will light your path- no matter how dark. And He will hear your prayers, no matter how small.

A Merry Christmas

Hey there, long time no blog, I know.. In case you forgot who I am, allow me to reintroduce myself, I am Lila's Momma (Carrie). Sometimes this blog is a struggle for me. Blogging on it can bring me back to the past, a place I wish not to dwell, but at the same time I know there are other Mommas out there struggling at this very moment with wounds that are so much like my own that I want to be there for them, even if it does feel painful to come here sometimes. I remember surfing the Internet after her passing, searching for another human who had some inkling of what I was going through, someone to connect with. And that is what keeps me coming back here- even if it's not very often.

We had a Merry Christmas at our house, (despite the passing around of the stomach flu). One of the best little moments was seeing Jude (our little 18 monther) walk into the living room with Lila's blanket (the one we'd given her on her first and only Christmas with us) He plopped down on the floor and began rubbing his nose with her blankey (this is a habit he has that he comforts himself with) and just the fact that it was her blanket was enough to warm up my heart and make me feel closer to her. She is still with us in our hearts even though she's in the arms of Jesus.

Christmas Gift

 Every year, as hard as it can be, we head out to Abigayl's spot to decorate for Christmas. The bright spot in the painful event was having the "help" of Rowynn this year.

 Every year it hits that I have to come to a cemetery to decorate for my daughter. I am 28 years old and this is the third Christmas we have spent decorating her spot. Though the pain doesn't hit as often as it used to, every year when we go and decorate it is so painful. I never want that pain to stop me though. I find it so important to let her have her own Christmas decorations. Though it hurts, it still brings me joy that there is something small I can still do for her on the earth even though she can't be here with us.

One of my favorite things about taking Rowynn to visit Abigayl is the moments when he gets down and touches her plaque. I just wonder if he recognizes her face from all of the pictures we have around the house. My hope is that even though he never got to meet his big sister, he will always hold a special place in his heart for her. That he will always feel a connection. I just hope I can help him feel that bond.

On a much lighter note, Rusty and I are EXPECTING!! Yes, you read correctly. Even though we have a 10 month old we are gearing up for a new addition come July 5, 2011. As of right now I am 10 weeks. I'm ready for the first trimester exhaustion to subside so I can have the energy my son demands! We are really praying for a girl this time around. I know God will do what is best for us so I'm hoping that what is best is a little girl!

11-7-07

Three years ago - our Lila Grace was born.

She was tiny, delicate and so very different from our other two children.

It truly amazes me that a person so tiny could have changed our world so much. I am so thankful to have had 86 days with her. She moved mountains with her tiny hands, mountains we'd constructed in our hearts. God sent her here on a mission, and her work only took three months to complete. I miss her dearly, but with each passing year the pain lessens. I stopped viewing the time as rapidly moving away from her, and realized it is rapidly moving toward her. Our time will come, we know not when, but we know it is coming. I have stopped viewing Heaven as something unknown and uncertain. I have studied God's clues to Heaven in the bible, and it is so much more than the myths I used to believe. I know I won't have wings, I won't turn into an angel, I'll be me, and we'll all be a big family, we won't stand around and sing all day with harps- we'll have a purpose, a life, an eternal life free of pain and suffering. It's going to be wonderful.

She's there waiting, and I don't fear death anymore. Death is merely the door opening to our eternal life. It is the beginning.

I hope and pray that my "beginning" in my eternal life begins with a giant hug from a sweet soul named Lila Grace, a smile on her face and a voice calling out, "Mom! I am so happy to see you, I've been waiting!"

www.lilabower.last-memories.com

Almost Two Years....

I just got off the phone with the floral department at the cemetery where our beautiful Abigayl has her spot. With the distraction of Rowynn, I don't cry as often as I used to. Especially now that my days are filled with feedings, diaper changes, LOTS of laundry, play time and following around a crawling seven month old.

But, days like today where I called to order flowers for Abi's vase, hit home the fact that I have a child in heaven. It is heart wrenching when I actually stop and take in the fact that Abigayl was here on this earth and not just a beautiful dream. I really did hold her in my arms, hear her giggle and enjoy so many wonderful days with her.

We are coming up on the anniversary of her two year angel day and it gets harder and harder as the day fast approaches. I keep trying to push it back so that I can get through all of my daily activities but when I ordered those flowers, it hit me like a tidal wave.

Though time makes it easier to get through the daily routine, our hearts forever miss our little angels and some days are harder than others.

Today, I am having one of those days.

I miss Abigayl every single day and think about her all the time. But I feel the pain on days like today when my focus is on a specific task for her.

September, October, November

Us three mommas have angel anniversaries/birthdays coming up and would be grateful for your prayers for continued peace and comfort as we forge ahead.

September 30th is the 2 yr mark since Abigayl went to Heaven.

October 20th is the 3 yr mark since Ethan went to Heaven.

November 7th would have been Lila's 3rd birthday.

Thank you to everyone for your love, encouragement, support and prayers.

Hugs..

Mixed Emotions

Today was one of those days that has my heart confused! It was my oldest child's first day of school. I stood there watching her take her seat on the bus and wondered if I would laugh or cry when the bus drove away. I did neither, I actually just wandered back to the house and thought about it. It's scary to begin taking these steps toward the future- toward sending her off on her own one day. I keep reminding myself though how lucky I am to see this day with her, as I won't see it with Lila. It's yet another one of those bittersweet moments that causes mixed emotions. I would love to hear how other mom's handled the "first day blues". :) feel free to comment..

Carrie- aka Country Mom

I'd like to share...

this link... Click Here

This story is one that we found in our foster parenting education binder. I thought it was really touching, and as prospective foster parents - it helps us to understand how kids might feel. I know that for me, personally- it makes me fear their "baggage" less and grow my desire to want to help them with that "suitcase."

-Country Mom, Carrie

Carrie: How Would It Be with Three?

I babysat for a friend of ours today. Her little one is just around six months younger than our sweet Lila Grace. I've babysat for her before- but today it really hit me as she followed me around the house- this is that age range Lila would be in now. This is what it would be like if I had all three of my babies here with me on Earth. It was interesting to sit in another room and listen to her chat in toddler talk to my five year old. It was at that moment that I really thought about how hard all of this has been on Maddie. Jude is the youngest, he came after the loss- he'll never know exactly what this family has been through- all he'll know is that he is loved even further (beyond measure) because of our exposure to SIDS. As for Maddie- she held her sister in her arms, sang her lullabies, helped wrap her Christmas gifts, kissed her on her chubby cheeks- all of these memories she still has- and you add all that up, and I can only imagine the longing she has in her little heart. It makes me wish I was brave enough to give her another brother or sister in hopes that it would bring forth another baby girl. But we all know- it wouldn't be Lila- it wouldn't be the same. I suppose in some ways our steps toward foster parenting will be a huge blessing to our family because we have all this love to give, and we feel like somebody is missing. At the same time I wonder if the constant revolving door of the foster system will make it hard on my own kids because they are constantly saying hello and goodbye to other children. At this point (with just one week until our first class) I feel the strength and courage to push forward and find out. I just pray that it will be that blessing, and that my children will learn to understand. Only the Lord knows where this and all our roads lead. I just need to put my trust and faith in him and keep going. It's really hard sometimes, isn't it?! I guess we're all 'works in progress.'

Jude (left) Maddie (right) and our little guest in the middle. :)

Dear God, please hold our little family close to you and help us to fully trust in you and not question your will.

Raychel: Guilt and Shock

One of the toughest things I had to face, besides the loss of Abigayl, was dealing with the guilt. I carried a huge burden from the moment I found her.

As I said in my last post, Abigayl slept with a blanket that almost always ended up over her face and it was that way when I found her. I know that every book, article and doctor says that you should have your baby sleep on their back and with an empty crib.

For a VERY long time I felt like if I wouldn't have put that blanket in the crib with her she would have still been with us. I struggled every day with that. The other terror that haunted me was the mental image of finding her. It was like getting kicked in the chest by an elephant every time that image popped into my head.

After months of killing myself with the guilt and mental images, I finally decided to seek help. I found a psychologist and it just so happened she used a technique called EMDR (eye movement desensitization and reprocessing) that helped me with my shock or post traumatic stress.

First, she helped me understand the guilt. The way she put it, guilt was a way for me to feel like I had some control over the situation. I DIDN'T have control over the situation. GOD had control.

Then we dealt with the mental images with EMDR. I couldn't believe how it affected me after the first session. After going 6 or 7 times, I was able to stop without having a recurrence of the strong feelings I had to those mental images. I fell that without her help I wouldn't be able to write or talk about that day. It would have been to debilitating.

If you are struggling with feelings of guilt, I highly encourage you to find someone to talk to because it is NOT your fault. There is nothing that could have been done.

Raychel: Our Little Blessing

Since the passing of Abigayl, Rusty and I were blessed with our beautiful son. Rowynn was born on February 5, 2010 and we have thoroughly enjoyed watching him grow and develop.

Though this is our second child it is amazing how much I feel like a first time mom. I'm experiencing things with Rowynn that I never got the chance to with Abigayl.

It was a scary to think about having another child. Rusty and I didn't know how we would sleep while he was sleeping or how we could ever be comfortable leaving him. Thankfully we were able to take care of the sleeping fear by setting him up with an apnea monitor and with time we have been able to leave him for an hour or two at a time.

The pain of losing Abigayl hasn't gone away but it has gotten easier. I no longer cry every day but I do have my days that hurt and I have to face the pain, hurt and loss.

I must admit, Rowynn has filled a place in me that I never thought would be whole again. He may end up a bit spoiled but I'm okay with that! I'm just happy to have his cheeks to kiss.

Raychel: My Story

I have yet to write my story on my personal blog, I guess to spare my loved ones who do not need to know the details. I feel that I can release a little more on here since I surrounded by women who understand my story and my pain.

Abigayl was taking her afternoon nap and I decided to put in a movie. I knew it was time for her to get up but thought she was sleeping so well that I would let her sleep a little longer. When another 30-45 minutes had passed and she still wasn't up, I knew I needed to wake her if I wanted her to stay on her schedule.

It's kind of weird, I knew the minute I opened her door that something wasn't right. I think it was God's way of preparing me for what was to come.

I went to her crib and the blanket she had slept with since she was born was over her head, which was normal for her. When I pulled back her blankie there was blood in her crib. I picked her up and immediately called 911. The dispatcher walked me through CPR and I spent what felt like eternity doing CPR on Abigayl until the Fire/Ambulance got there. I knew that what I was doing wasn't going to help. I just knew. It was hard to continue on knowing that no matter what, I couldn't bring my baby back to me.

One of the fireman called Rusty and told him he needed to come home quickly. I'm so thankful that he was working in our area that day. Not only was he able to make it home swiftly but he was also able to come home on his lunch hour and play with Abigayl.

From the moment Rusty walked through the door he comforted me and never once blamed me. I'm so thankful that he never saw it as my fault. I'm blessed with a very loving husband.

At the hospital, I had to give my statement to an officer. While telling him what happened, I told him that I wished I would have had one of my neighbors get the bedding out for me. I knew that it would be hard to go back in her room later to her sheets. That very nice, amazing officer not only went back and took the bedding for me but he also showed up to Abigayl's service.

I'm so thankful that I had the support from all over to help me muddle my way through life during the days, weeks and months to follow. The main thing for me was leaning on my faith and placing my sorrow in the hands of God. I also leaned on Rusty because he was the only one who knew the loss I was going through.

I look forward to sharing more of my journey with all the moms out there who are sadly on the same journey and long road that I'm on. Together we can make it.